Why do I do this to Myself??

So 2 days ago I called my girls to see how they were doing and their plans for thanksgiving....I haven't seen them since August 7th when their dad decided that if I didn't have my own vehicle, then they couldn't come over for their court ordered visitation. I got tablets for them, myself and B for our christmas/bday presents. When I called them, I let them know I had got their presents and invited them to Victoria's bday party. Well, I installed twitter on my tablet a little bit ago..... I decided to check their dad and Nat's to see what's going on with them since I'm blocked on facebook and see a post from Nature and days ago just after my call that saysher poor sweet girl was shattered. I had their bday party planned here for Aug 16th due to $$ issues. It's not my fault that their dad refused to let them come over after the 7th of Aug...... So why is Nat's "Daughter" so Shattered??? She's not yours..... She's mine..... I didn't give her up...... You and your husband refuse to allow me to be close to thembc in your eyes, I'm the bad guy. I may not be the perfect parent..... But I love my girls - all day of them - more than life itself

Starting is the hardest part.....

I haven't been doing well lately....I had to o to court Thursday for my first Child Support Hearing. Nobody was able to go with me, so I was all alone. The days leading up to court were stressful...the physical reaction my body has when I have to face my ex or his wife...well, it takes it's toll. I hate it. Just knowing I'm going to see or hear them-my chest tightens, my heart races, my hands get clammy and shaky. In fact, my whole body gets shaky and I begin to feel like a child again. So many years, of nothing ever being good enough for him....so many years since the divorce of him continually chastising me for everything...how and what I say or do around my own children. He treats me with disdain and does not try to include me in their lives at all. He shares NO INFORMATION with me. In fact, unless he's telling me I did something wrong-he doesn't speak to me at all. I want nothing more than to look like a strong confident person who's got it all together when I am around them--but the way he makes me feel like a child and like I'm incompetent--always second guessing myself...

I was ok until I had to go back and talk to the child support agent and she told me I had to stand in front of the judge. Then I lost it and started crying. She let me go out the side door so he & his wife couldn't see me. I paced around, then went to speak to the bailiff about finding a public phone so I could call my doctor (i had accidentally brought the atarax with me instead of the klonipin and I was having a really bad panic attack).....I found out the judge wouldn't be in until 11, so I walked around downtown to try and calm myself as well as find a wifi signal so I could use my phone and call home.

Of course, calling home was only of little relief. I continued walking around and even stopped for a coffee until it was time to go back to the courtroom. While I waited for my turn I wrote, rewrote and rewrote again what I wanted to say....I felt calm and I felt good. However, the moment she called our names-the panic began. I couldn't speak without my voice shaking. I felt like a kid again--getting ready to be punished. I told her about the clause that states the girls can't be alone with B and how that affects my ability to work full time as well as the fact that I have a baby at home and take classes online because I can't afford child care for her. She asked me if my health was good and I told her no. She asked and I told her ADHD and PTSD. It was the first time I said anything about it to anyone other than family since I was diagnosed with PTSD) Not one time did I even dare turn to look towards him. In the end, I do have to pay child support-and while the amount is miniscule ($62/mo total for 2 kids)...it's the principle of the matter that sent me into yet another panic attack. I ran out of the courthouse as fast as I could.

I felt utterly defeated--You have my kids, which you haven't let me see in 2 months (child support and custody are two separate courts), you have taken my sanity and now what little money I have....I can't even see your name without having a panic attack-dialing the phone sends me into a panic attack-when you do let me see my children I feel like I can't be myself and have to be super careful about everything because I never know what they are going to say to you that is going to have you chastising me again for being a screw-up. I SHOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME!! But you have ingrained into me that in your eyes-I am worthless and since you have my children-I feel like I have to continually prove myself to you even though i know it will never change the way you treat me.

What my children think about me is important. I want them to love me, not feel sorry for me. I want to be there every step of the way for everything - be a part of their daily life but my fear of you is what paralyzes me....why should I try when they value your's and your wife's opinions over mine and you don't support me at all because to you and your wife - everything I do is wrong. Just because its not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong....


All I can do is try to work through this and hope that when they are older, they understand that I never stopped thinking about them....that I spend many many sleepless nights worried about them but to scared to pick up the phone. Too scared of being rejected that I can't even begin...


"We can train our bodies to forget, but not our minds--your past, your secrets mark you always-like it or not"-Forever(TV SHOW-ABC)

A New Day -- How I Got PTSD

I finally got to see my pDoc yesterday!

Overall things went really well. It took a month but I was able to get back in with the same practice that has been treating me off and on (due to insurance) since 2008. Dr. Chris is wonderful. Makes me feel good about the treatment plan.

I have been given WAY more meds than ever before--but due to all the life changes that have occurred over the last 2 years, I feel it is best. This is the first time I have been given a medication for my bipolar. I am back on my Adderall 20mg 2/day like before. Prozac 20mg 1/day (mood stabilizer) Klonipin .5mg/as needed (for anxiety) and Atarax 25mg/as needed (for nerves/itching) and Saphris 5mg (sublingual) for sleep and bipolar mania. When i get particularly stressed, my face and arms get a really itchy feeling...not like i need to scratch it kind of itch but just rubbing the area brings temporary relief. That is what the Atarax is for. The "itchy" feeling is all my nerve endings firing off nearly simultaneously.

He wants to see me again in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing and if we need to change and medications. He basically told me what I already knew---that I have lost my sense of self worth and need to get back into therapy with Ms. Kim to try to regain that and overcome my newest diagnosis (which I was already aware of but not diagnosed until yesterday)--PTSD.

The PTSD has been identified as coming from 2 different points in my life:
The first cause of my PTSD:: living with parents who didn't get me treated for or diagnosed with ADHD and treated me like I was a normal kid. They chastised me on a regular basis for being messy and lazy. I was always in trouble for saying the wrong things (even though my heart was in the right place). No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Praise was something I rarely received growing up. Singing-that was the only thing they were proud of me doing. Yet, unless it was at church, they were never there for any of my performances. Other things were always more important. When it came to chores-I could never do those well enough either. If my sister didn't do hers-I was in trouble because I was the oldest and should've made her do them. They never allowed me to be who I am and wanted to conform me to what they wanted me to be. Their mantra of "Do as I say, Not as I do" l only aided in me seeing them as hypocrites. Their other favorite phrase "Because I said so" left me feeling empty and confused as in the only purpose for me to do/not do something was because they said so which was not good enough for a mind that needed--begged to understand WHY!!

In a recent conversation with my sister, I learned something I never realized before...She says: why do you think I was always defending you. Even as a child she saw the unfairness. It's only been since the recent trip with my mother that I began to realize all these things--maybe I had blocked them out...children want to think the best of their parents. But when I look at it now, I see my mother was a selfish narcissist and has made it clear to me that, at age 53, she is too old to change and I need to deal with it. When I'm her age....my children will be 20, 28 & 30. While it hurts, my way of dealing with it is to cut her, and my father (step) out of my life and since my biological father died in 2002---I don't have parents.

The second cause of my PTSD was my marriage---basically a continuation of the emotional abuse I suffered my my parents. I can remember the beginning that I shouldn't be in that relationship---I was delusional in thinking I might get a fairy tale. I was always told that the person for you has always been right there. My family had been connected to his family for as long as I can remember but I didn't meet him until High School. These are the things I learned after I met him: his cousin grew up in the neighborhood next to me-we shared the same bus stop since 2nd grade. The church I went to starting going to in middle school had a big family of 6 that often did things with his big family of 5. His grandfather taught my mother in one of her computer classes when she went to Lively VoTech. His grandfather was the civilian liaison for the Army National Guard unit I joined at 17. His house was 5 minutes from best friend's house.

That delusion and the low self esteem growing up with parents who didn't support me had made me into the type of person who would put up with anything, even losing myself, in order to have the life I always wanted.

It started even before we were married. I remember the days leading up to my suspicion that I might be pregnant. I remember him being upset that I wouldn't let him go anywhere near my beasts because they were sooo tender and sore. I remember getting heartburn, which I had never had before. Then, at my Aunt Annie Ruth's funeral-my cousins David and Gina swearing up and down I was pregnant. Then came the nausea. While he was at work, I remember getting online to see if there was anyway I could determine pregnancy without buying the test. I knew we only had a few dollars left until payday....my mind was driving me insane...my period which was normally like clock work, was a week late. I remember pacing and stressing on how I was going to justify spending $6 if the test was negative (the dollar tree didn't sell them back then)...finally, I got into the car and went and got the test and took it-it was positive. At this point we had only been together a few months. We were already living together because my mom kicked me since I had a boyfriend I could go live with. Now, the stress was how to tell him. I thought for certain he would be mad. I mean, I was his first sexual encounter (only because he lied to me about being a virgin-i wouldn't have if I had known and he knew that) and we only didn't use protection ONE time. Luckily, in this case, he was ecstatic and we ended up getting married just a few months before she was born.

There were red flags even before we got married that I ignored because I was pregnant and scared to be on my own...Throughout the years, the emotional abuse only got worse. He was embarrassed by me-because I talked to much or said the wrong things at the wrong times. He, like my mother, had me always second guessing myself and worrying if what I was going was going to make him mad or upset in anyway. His wrath and his anger were nothing I wanted to have to deal with. If you hurt his feelings in anyway he would hurt yours back in the most vicious way possible. It was almost like a competition with him. I felt like I wasn't allowed to voice how I felt, ever and when I did I was full of shit.

We went to marriage counseling, when we left, he would yell at me for either a) not letting him speak or b)because I made him look bad. When I did let him speak-he had nothing to say. It was a vicious cycle. We attempted separation a time or two. But I always went back to him-too frightened to leave and be on my own. I knew when I finally did walk out that door-I would have to do something sooo drastic that he would never want to be with me EVER again because I couldn't see it being healthy for myself or my children to live our lives walking on eggshells so that we didn't upset Daddy, but that story is for another day...I've really got to get to my school work while little miss V is taking her nap (she's been sick and was up at 415am-went back to sleep about 7am)

Overwhelmed

Been feeling seriously overwhelmed today.....Just feel like everything is piling up and I'm paralyzed to do anything about it. Part of my brain says...go go go...you got to do it ALL. Right Now! and the other part says: It's just too much, it's hopeless. I know...start small....but then there's that part of me that says: If you can't do it perfect, don't do it at all. UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my stupid ADHD/OCD/BIPLOAR brain. Can't wait until I go to doctor on Friday to get my meds and be on my way to relieving some of these symptoms.

12 Reasons to Love Being ADD -via Lifehack.og

12 Reasons Why You Should Love Having ADD
by June Silny

Since third grade you knew you were different. One minute you were staring out the window lost in the trees and the next minute you were chewing an intricate wood carving design into your No. 2 pencil. Teachers didn’t know how to handle you even though they told your mother, “He has so much potential if only he could sit still, pay attention, and focus on his work.”

Years ago (before everyone was diagnosed with ADD), the child who was unlike the others was labeled creative. You knew that if school was too difficult for you, there would be several other fabulous, fun and exciting careers for imaginative thinkers.

Well, the time has come to improve your relationship with those three dreaded letters -ADD. They’ve haunted you for long enough. There’s been so much attention on how terrible it is to have “ADD” that you forgot how great it is to have the those “special” abilities and the super-powers that come along with it.

Yes, it’s true. Each trait has a positive and negative side to it.

After one receives a diagnosis of ADD, you can only think about all the things that are wrong with you. “This causes feelings of shame, fear, andself-doubt,” according to Edward Hallowell, M.D.

Focusing on the negative aspects of ADD keeps you locked into feeling stuck or that things are just “too hard” to work through. But when you flip the focus and see that each (so-called) negative trait has a positive side to it, you will see just how beneficial ADD can be. Magic happens when you see the true mirror image of each trait.

If you’re not sure if you have ADD (or ADHD), check this out video…

Negative labels are destructive to everyone, especially to the person who labels him/her self. Dump those negative labels and let’s see just how amazing you are!


1. You see what others don’t see, you see more.
Your creative perspective gives you x-ray vision to see beyond the surface. Some people see raindrops, you see sparkling reflective circles dancing on your window.

2. You’re a champion multi-tasker.
Pity those poor people who can only manage do one thing at a time. Not you! You’re a super-task-master. Maybe you’ve got three computer screens going on at once or you’re working two cellphones and a landline at the same time. No problem. You can handle it.

3. You’re philosophically deeper than most people.
Your conversations jump off the pages of a Dostoyevsky novel. Boring, you are not!

4. You are an artist, an actor, a writer, marketing expert, chef, Wall Street trader, a musician, or filmmaker.
You’re a comedian, a hairstylist, or cabinetmaker. Maybe you work for Google. Who else would be able to understand the detailed path of algorithms and coding? The world needs you.

5. When you find something you love, you do it with passion.
Once your engine kicks in, nothing can stop you. Passion drives you to greatness.

6. Change doesn’t scare you.
In fact, you love it. You’re flexible and go with the flow, wherever it takes you. You’re a risk taker who will venture into new projects without a worry. No big deal. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll try something else.

7. You’re an out-of-the-box thinker.
You have innovative ideas most people would never think of. Ingenious ideas fly into brain all hours of the day and night.

8. Your awesome sense of humor keeps you optimistic.
You love to laugh. Like all great comedians you find something funny or look at the bright side of issues that would bring most people to a state of doom and gloom.

9. You are resilient.
Not much knocks you down, and if it does, you wipe yourself off, get back up and never quit until you get it right.

10. You work great under pressure.
Actually, you work even better under pressure. You can stay up all night preparing a spectacular presentation and then deliver it the next day with an Oscar-worthy performance.

11. You have a photographic memory.
Be it numbers, words, letters, or places, those digits stick. Your brain is a warehouse, a storage center, archiving memories and visuals since you were two years old.

12. You are compassionate, empathetic, and totally lovable.
Your loving heart lets you feel what is in someone else’s heart. You’re the sweetest boyfriend (or girlfriend), husband (or wife), friend, sibling anyboy could ever want.


Who said it’s so terrible to have ADD?


Isn’t it time to start loving your special gifts? Admit it, you’re fabulous!



{ORIGINAL ARTICLE}

I've been published!!

Two days ago I found out that October is ADHD Awareness Month. I posted my story on my FB timeline (same as my previous post) and as well as my intro to becoming an Admin on Our ADHD Story group on FB and now it's on the Our ADHD Story blog!!! Yea!! Feels great to get it out since I know I'm pretty much talking to myself on here! LoL! Hopefully, I won't lose sight of this blog and it will one day be something my children can look back on! =) They're 11, 9 & 10 months....so it will be awhile before I feel they are mature enough to handle this! lol!

Shiny Friends

I support ADHD Awareness! October is ADHD Awareness Month

Here is my story:


For most of my life, I always knew there was something different about me. I struggled with fitting in. People often found me overwhelming. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't sit still.....unless I was crafting or playing video games---that I could do for hours on end. I have always wanted things to be nice and neat and in their place and I get easily stressed out when it's not "perfect." I was constantly getting reprimanded for interrupting people. Having to do anything I wasn't interested in was torture. I was a master at starting off projects like a rockstar and horrible at the follow through.

All I wanted in life was to be normal. It killed me inside that other people can do these simple tasks but for me, it felt like there was an invisible force holding me down. I hated that I couldn't make friends and began a vicious cycle of being a people pleaser in order to make people like me and be my friend. In the end, I had NO CLUE who I was.

I got married, I had kids. Still I felt like I was living the way I should live to make him happy and stay with me. When I had children, l was constantly in a state of feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't understand how what seemed so easy for other moms was sooooo hard for me. I was criticized, called lazy and crazy more times that I can recall.

I was 28 when I was diagnosed. It took me a year to accept the diagnosis which was officially ADHD w/ OCD tendencies and Bipolar Disorder. The road has not been easy. I am divorced now. Since then, I have finally begun to find out who I really am and stops fighting this invisible illness that I cannot control. The struggle to live a normal life is tough. It's hard to maintain relationships because most people believe ADHD isn't real. Not only is it real, it's passed though genetics and you can't grow out of it.Which means, if you have a child that has ADHD, chances are---you or your spouse have it too---and if you have it then one of your parents has it too. So far--1 of my three daughters have been diagnosed (1 has never been tested-the other one is too young). Both my sister and my mother are suspected to have it and I have been diagnosed.

ADHD effects the prefrontal cortex in the brain which controls sustaining attention over a delay, inhibiting distraction, and dividing attention. It also controls behavior and judgement as well as emotional responses. Most importantly--THERE IS NO CURE. Symptoms can be relieved with medication...but medication can also dull what makes a person with ADHD so special.

Being ADHD doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you don't think the same way as other people and you do & learn things differently.

Awareness is the key to reducing the stigma!!

I share my story to raise awareness.

I am no longer ashamed of my diagnosis and who I am!

Shine On My Shiny Friends!!