I know at times I'm a lot to handle and may even make you doubt my love or feel inadequate. I wish I would find a way to prove to you that everything is as real as it seems. I wish I could prove it to myself at times. Our relationship has been like a tornado whizzing through. . .but instead of tearing things up, it has put things in place I could have only imagined or dreamed. Every morning I wake up, I don't want to leave your side. I don't even want to go anywhere if you're not with me. I've never been like that with anyone. It's scary but I like it. When I'm at home & you're at work, I count the minutes til your return. I was laying here this morning and an old song popped into my head while I was trying to find the words I wanted to say to you. It's amazing how music can do that. . . .say what it is you just can't seem to say. . . .I think it's appropriate considering what Monday is. . . .
I Love You, Michael Starr!
If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you
And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly
I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
In my dreams i couldnt love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
La da da
Da da da da
And even if the sun refuse to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart
Until the end of time
Cuz all i need
Is you, my valentine
You're all i need
My love, my valentine
My Valentine by Martina McBride
Thursday, February 10, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Somebody pinch me. . . .
Is a love like this really possible? I am terrified out of my skull at the risks I have taken in such a short time. I'm not saying I have doubt becase every day gets better than the last. I'm just scared that when something seems to good to be true, it may very well be. Is it possible he really is this perfect or are we living in the fantasy world that is all relationships in the beginning. I don't want to miss a minute with him but I am frightened that it's all a dream. I am deathly afraid of getting my heart broken again. I don't think I could handle it. In fact, I KNOW I wouldn't be able to handle it which will in turn add more strain on my relationship with my ex-husband.
He doesn't like me having casual relationships with guys because we have two young girls and he worries that they're going to be whores. They're 5 & 7 for crying out loud. I know other kids who talk about having boy & girl friends at this age but it's the last thing on my girl's minds. Ask them when they can have a boyfriend and they'll tell you 14. They are very smart girls and are pretty obedient. Their dad doesn't agree with me getting their ears pierced and even though their holes are healed, they're scared to even wear earrings at my house because Daddy will get mad. Pretty retarded if you ask me, they're girls, let them be girls! Hell, he had BOTH his ears pierced. But, he says they're too young to have their ears pierced. *rolls eyes*
Our parenting styles are completely opposite. He believes in sheltering them from everything. I believe in being as open with them about their questions as I can as long as I feel they can comprehend the answer they desire. There are times when I am at a loss and feel they need to be a little older to discuss what ever crazy thing they ask me about and I explain that to them. My theory is this, while you should shelter your children from some things they're not old enough to understand, giving them the information they desire and allowing them to make their own decisions is vital. Of course, I'm right there to guide them and try and make sure they don't do anything too stupid but I'm also there when they fall and we discuss what went wrong. I try to be as supportive of my girl's desires as I can, within reason.
Growing up, I desperately wanted to play sports. . .do after school activities. You know what my parents said: Sure you can do it, IF you can find the money yourself and get your own ride. They didn't even TRY. I know we didn't have much money but to not even try!! At one point, I even coached #2's soccer team because it was the ONLY way they were gonna let her play. She somehow got overlooked when they made the rosters and they had enough kids for one more team but no coach. That was an adventure. . .try teaching 12-4yr olds who have never played before without an assistant coach. In this league the coach had to be on the field with the kids at all times!! Nobody was allowed on the bench who wasn't certified so I had to keep my players in line on the field and on the bench!! We had practice on Mondays & Wednesdays from 5p-6p, #1 had practice from 6p-7p on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I Karaoke DJed on Friday & Saturday nights. I had Soccer games every Saturday morning, I was #1s Girls Scout Leader (was supposed to be the assistant but in true Army life fashion, the leader got orders to move to another duty station and I took over) and we had meetings every Sunday. I also volunteered and both my daughters schools twice a week. On top of all this, my now ex-husband was deployed. It was tough. But I managed.
It kills me when my ex-husband says I'm a worthless mom. Just because we don't think the same doesn't mean I don't take care of my kids. Yes, I do like to go out and have a good time but my kids come first! They always have and always will. Anyone who knows me, knows that. They live where they live right now because at the time of the divorce it's what was best for them. I got divorced with no education and no real job experiences thanks to my ex-husband.
So, here I was, 29 years old with not a lot to show. But look at me now! My one year anniversary of my divorce is just around the corner. Just a couple weeks away. I got my first job just before my divorce was final at a super big fast food chain. I was hired for a cashier job but my trainer didn't show up the first 2 days so they put me in another position. I did so well, they kept me there. After a few months I realized I had way more potential than they were giving me the chance to show. I had also moved further away from that store and closer to another one. I went in one day and talked to the manager and told him: This is what I know, this is what I can do and this is what I believe I am capable of, I do NOT want to be crew I want to be a manger. Right there he said "When can you start?" So, I gave the other store notice and began on July 12 of this year. It was also a good move for me because I went from a franchise store to corporate which has way more benefits. Normally, they do 3-2hr orientation days but seeing as I had only been gone from the other store 2 days when I began my orientation, the store manager told me when I left the orientation store I could come work 6 more hours at my store so I could get my hours in and not lose pay. The first day of my orientation was also the day my store got it's yearly inspection from the district supervisor. Guess who was at orientation on Day 2, yup, the district supervisor. He pulled me aside and said he noticed me yesterday while I was working and was surprised to see I was at orientation. I told him the previous day was my first day but I had 6 months prior experience. Told him I planned to be a manger. He did mention that we're not allowed to work until after orientation but since he's seen me work he's ok with it. Toot! Toot! Caught the district supervisors eye on DAY 1!! I know I have continued to impress him since then and he has told me so.
I began manager training classes in Aug and they ended just after my 30th birthday in September. In October my store manager was replaced by none other than the guy who taught my manager's classes. He had JUST relocated to NC from Connecticut so he only knew 2 people in my store. Myself and the other manager trainee who was in my class. Another big check mark for me! I became Opening Manager in mid October and I open that store on my own 5 days a week. I now have a set schedule. . . .no raise yet but they're working on it. I am on the right path and getting my life in order so that my kids can live with me in a stable environment.
On top of all of this, I have found love. I have the most amazing man. Who treats me better than I could ever ask for! Yes, I am still terrified. But in typing this, I have gained a new peace of mind. I have overcome so many obstacles in my life in such a short time. While I can only hope for the best, I know no matter what happens this cat is landing on her feet.
He doesn't like me having casual relationships with guys because we have two young girls and he worries that they're going to be whores. They're 5 & 7 for crying out loud. I know other kids who talk about having boy & girl friends at this age but it's the last thing on my girl's minds. Ask them when they can have a boyfriend and they'll tell you 14. They are very smart girls and are pretty obedient. Their dad doesn't agree with me getting their ears pierced and even though their holes are healed, they're scared to even wear earrings at my house because Daddy will get mad. Pretty retarded if you ask me, they're girls, let them be girls! Hell, he had BOTH his ears pierced. But, he says they're too young to have their ears pierced. *rolls eyes*
Our parenting styles are completely opposite. He believes in sheltering them from everything. I believe in being as open with them about their questions as I can as long as I feel they can comprehend the answer they desire. There are times when I am at a loss and feel they need to be a little older to discuss what ever crazy thing they ask me about and I explain that to them. My theory is this, while you should shelter your children from some things they're not old enough to understand, giving them the information they desire and allowing them to make their own decisions is vital. Of course, I'm right there to guide them and try and make sure they don't do anything too stupid but I'm also there when they fall and we discuss what went wrong. I try to be as supportive of my girl's desires as I can, within reason.
Growing up, I desperately wanted to play sports. . .do after school activities. You know what my parents said: Sure you can do it, IF you can find the money yourself and get your own ride. They didn't even TRY. I know we didn't have much money but to not even try!! At one point, I even coached #2's soccer team because it was the ONLY way they were gonna let her play. She somehow got overlooked when they made the rosters and they had enough kids for one more team but no coach. That was an adventure. . .try teaching 12-4yr olds who have never played before without an assistant coach. In this league the coach had to be on the field with the kids at all times!! Nobody was allowed on the bench who wasn't certified so I had to keep my players in line on the field and on the bench!! We had practice on Mondays & Wednesdays from 5p-6p, #1 had practice from 6p-7p on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I Karaoke DJed on Friday & Saturday nights. I had Soccer games every Saturday morning, I was #1s Girls Scout Leader (was supposed to be the assistant but in true Army life fashion, the leader got orders to move to another duty station and I took over) and we had meetings every Sunday. I also volunteered and both my daughters schools twice a week. On top of all this, my now ex-husband was deployed. It was tough. But I managed.
It kills me when my ex-husband says I'm a worthless mom. Just because we don't think the same doesn't mean I don't take care of my kids. Yes, I do like to go out and have a good time but my kids come first! They always have and always will. Anyone who knows me, knows that. They live where they live right now because at the time of the divorce it's what was best for them. I got divorced with no education and no real job experiences thanks to my ex-husband.
So, here I was, 29 years old with not a lot to show. But look at me now! My one year anniversary of my divorce is just around the corner. Just a couple weeks away. I got my first job just before my divorce was final at a super big fast food chain. I was hired for a cashier job but my trainer didn't show up the first 2 days so they put me in another position. I did so well, they kept me there. After a few months I realized I had way more potential than they were giving me the chance to show. I had also moved further away from that store and closer to another one. I went in one day and talked to the manager and told him: This is what I know, this is what I can do and this is what I believe I am capable of, I do NOT want to be crew I want to be a manger. Right there he said "When can you start?" So, I gave the other store notice and began on July 12 of this year. It was also a good move for me because I went from a franchise store to corporate which has way more benefits. Normally, they do 3-2hr orientation days but seeing as I had only been gone from the other store 2 days when I began my orientation, the store manager told me when I left the orientation store I could come work 6 more hours at my store so I could get my hours in and not lose pay. The first day of my orientation was also the day my store got it's yearly inspection from the district supervisor. Guess who was at orientation on Day 2, yup, the district supervisor. He pulled me aside and said he noticed me yesterday while I was working and was surprised to see I was at orientation. I told him the previous day was my first day but I had 6 months prior experience. Told him I planned to be a manger. He did mention that we're not allowed to work until after orientation but since he's seen me work he's ok with it. Toot! Toot! Caught the district supervisors eye on DAY 1!! I know I have continued to impress him since then and he has told me so.
I began manager training classes in Aug and they ended just after my 30th birthday in September. In October my store manager was replaced by none other than the guy who taught my manager's classes. He had JUST relocated to NC from Connecticut so he only knew 2 people in my store. Myself and the other manager trainee who was in my class. Another big check mark for me! I became Opening Manager in mid October and I open that store on my own 5 days a week. I now have a set schedule. . . .no raise yet but they're working on it. I am on the right path and getting my life in order so that my kids can live with me in a stable environment.
On top of all of this, I have found love. I have the most amazing man. Who treats me better than I could ever ask for! Yes, I am still terrified. But in typing this, I have gained a new peace of mind. I have overcome so many obstacles in my life in such a short time. While I can only hope for the best, I know no matter what happens this cat is landing on her feet.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Bliss
Wasn't feeling well yesterday and had a shitty day at work! Luckily it was my short day. I'm scheduled 4-8hr days and 1-6hr day because I'm scheduled to get off work during a peak hour and managers NEVER get off on time. . . well, at least I don't! The other manager there screwed everything up. The girl I had working directly with me had an attitude from hell....well, yes, I'm going to ride your ass if I have to tell you the SAME DAMN THING EVERY SINGLE DAY and you work 5 days a week!! Personally, I think if you can't do your job right after being there for 30 days, they need to let you go and hire somebody who will do it and without the attitude! I had enough hours to stay until my usual off time but it was better if I left. My back was killing me, felt like I might be getting sick and I was just in a really grumpy mood!
So, on my way home my oil pressure drops. I pull into the gas station to get oil and guess what. . . no debit card. Then it hits me. . . .i left my jacket at work and it's in my jacket. Well, all my army friends are about to go to lunch so I text one to either A) come buy me a quart of oil so I can go back to my job and get my jacket or B) go get my jacket and bring it to me. Friend says no problem. Then one of my off duty managers calls me because she can't reach the other manager I was working with. I tell her what happened and she suggests getting the other manager to sent the maint. guy to me with my jacket since I was just down the road. She calls me back and tells me someone is on the way just as my Army friend texts me to say they were on their way. I thanked them and sat and waited for my jacket. This whole ordeal took about 25 mins.Finally get my oil and go to the grocery store. Even though I'm beat I decide, I'm gonna go home, take a nap and surprise Mike with dinner when he gets home from work. Yeah, I said home. . . .I'm moving in. ;-)
It's amazing how we seem to speak to each other without ever saying a word. He's amazing like that! We're both completely terrified of getting our hearts broken again but with all the hell we've both been through over the years. . .we figure "Hey, what have we got to lose?" Nothing and I mean NOTHING has ever felt so right before in my life. He makes me feel like a queen! It's funny, I almost wrote him off on the first date simply because he failed to provide a few common first date courtesies. LOL! Sry, babe, you'll never live that one down!! haha! I jokingly said something to him about it on our second date and his response was that most dates he had been on since his divorce, women seemed to think because he was being a gentleman that he was trying to impress them just to get in their pants. He is far from being that kind of guy. We spent two nights together and he didn't even try. Ever since then, he hasn't missed a beat. He's awesome! Oh wait...I'm awesome! He's amazing!!
I get home and prep everything for dinner, slice the potatoes, mix the seasoning, make the marinade for the chicken, slice the mushrooms and put everything in the fridge to marinate until just before he gets home from work. I wanted to go to wal-mart and get some cool candles or something too but I was TOO beat! So I asked him to pick some up on his way home as well as a universal remote for the TV.
While I was at the grocery store earlier, I caught a glimpse of some roses by the check out & thought. . . man, that would be amazing if he brought me home flowers after such a shitty day. . . .
While I'm awaiting Mike's return home I make a playlist to set the mood. I told him to call when he was on his way so I could have everything set up. I'm sitting on the couch and the door opens and scares me. As I'm looking up I say. . . "you were supposed to call first. . . ." then I see them . . . .3 red roses in a vase-for me! ;-) Couldn't have been more perfect!
Dinner turns out amazing! We chat about our day and whatever comes to mind while listening to my playlist. After dinner I get an awesome massage. Feet, Hands, Legs, Back. . . .so relaxing! Then we cuddled up and watched Funny people until we fell asleep.
It's hard to believe this is so real. I feel like I may wake up at any moment and realize it was all a dream. In my heart I believe he truly is as genuine as he seems. The conversations we have: you just can't make that stuff up!
I have found my prince. I knew I would know when I found him. I could not ask for a more complete and perfect person to share my life with. He truly makes me feel whole. He makes me feel empowered and invisible but yet, he makes me feel like a cherish woman. . . .what girl could ask for more?
So, on my way home my oil pressure drops. I pull into the gas station to get oil and guess what. . . no debit card. Then it hits me. . . .i left my jacket at work and it's in my jacket. Well, all my army friends are about to go to lunch so I text one to either A) come buy me a quart of oil so I can go back to my job and get my jacket or B) go get my jacket and bring it to me. Friend says no problem. Then one of my off duty managers calls me because she can't reach the other manager I was working with. I tell her what happened and she suggests getting the other manager to sent the maint. guy to me with my jacket since I was just down the road. She calls me back and tells me someone is on the way just as my Army friend texts me to say they were on their way. I thanked them and sat and waited for my jacket. This whole ordeal took about 25 mins.Finally get my oil and go to the grocery store. Even though I'm beat I decide, I'm gonna go home, take a nap and surprise Mike with dinner when he gets home from work. Yeah, I said home. . . .I'm moving in. ;-)
It's amazing how we seem to speak to each other without ever saying a word. He's amazing like that! We're both completely terrified of getting our hearts broken again but with all the hell we've both been through over the years. . .we figure "Hey, what have we got to lose?" Nothing and I mean NOTHING has ever felt so right before in my life. He makes me feel like a queen! It's funny, I almost wrote him off on the first date simply because he failed to provide a few common first date courtesies. LOL! Sry, babe, you'll never live that one down!! haha! I jokingly said something to him about it on our second date and his response was that most dates he had been on since his divorce, women seemed to think because he was being a gentleman that he was trying to impress them just to get in their pants. He is far from being that kind of guy. We spent two nights together and he didn't even try. Ever since then, he hasn't missed a beat. He's awesome! Oh wait...I'm awesome! He's amazing!!
I get home and prep everything for dinner, slice the potatoes, mix the seasoning, make the marinade for the chicken, slice the mushrooms and put everything in the fridge to marinate until just before he gets home from work. I wanted to go to wal-mart and get some cool candles or something too but I was TOO beat! So I asked him to pick some up on his way home as well as a universal remote for the TV.
While I was at the grocery store earlier, I caught a glimpse of some roses by the check out & thought. . . man, that would be amazing if he brought me home flowers after such a shitty day. . . .
While I'm awaiting Mike's return home I make a playlist to set the mood. I told him to call when he was on his way so I could have everything set up. I'm sitting on the couch and the door opens and scares me. As I'm looking up I say. . . "you were supposed to call first. . . ." then I see them . . . .3 red roses in a vase-for me! ;-) Couldn't have been more perfect!
Dinner turns out amazing! We chat about our day and whatever comes to mind while listening to my playlist. After dinner I get an awesome massage. Feet, Hands, Legs, Back. . . .so relaxing! Then we cuddled up and watched Funny people until we fell asleep.
It's hard to believe this is so real. I feel like I may wake up at any moment and realize it was all a dream. In my heart I believe he truly is as genuine as he seems. The conversations we have: you just can't make that stuff up!
I have found my prince. I knew I would know when I found him. I could not ask for a more complete and perfect person to share my life with. He truly makes me feel whole. He makes me feel empowered and invisible but yet, he makes me feel like a cherish woman. . . .what girl could ask for more?
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