Well, I'm halfway through my first week of classes! SO far, So good!! I'm taking 5 online classes: Bio 168 (A&P 1), Eng 111 (Writing & Inquiry), Com 231 (Public Speaking), CIS 110 (Into to Computers), and Psych 150 (Gen Psychology. I got all the EC assignments done for Bio! It's been a little stressful! Trying to manage as best I can without medication and a bouncy baby girl who wants my books, my laptop, my notes --me! Even if Daddy is home, she wants me! lol! I understand. Babies have a special bond with their mother!
Back to the subject...lol! Classes have been a bit of a challenge because I feel easily overwhelmed when learning a new system...i.e. Blackboard and my new laptop with Windows 8....They're not terribly complicated they're just different than what I'm used to so it's stressful that I have to reteach myself how to do things. The start button on Windows 8 is NOTHING like the old Start Menu and where did my X go in the top corner to close the program...or should I say App. It's not been a fun transition but I'm sure once I get used to how it works I won't want to go back to Window 7! lol! I mean it already has one advantage, I can use the same apps I use on my phone on my computer! Like PicsArt! Yay! It's one of my favorite procrastination apps besides Facebook!
I am looking forward to getting through these classes with as little psychosis as possible! Hopefully, medicaid will get off their bums and approve my application. It's been 3 months! I know I can get through the classes without the meds. However, barely passing is not an option. I am determined to succeed with or without them!
I am determined to not let these invading thoughts stop me from reaching my goals!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
Friday, August 15, 2014
They don't understand....
When you live with depression and anxiety, others simply don't understand what it's like. You look normal on the outside and for the most part you are. Unfortunately, your brain works differently than most people's. While I KNOW what I feel is illogical and stupid....it's not something I can control....like the crying. My whole life I've been chastised for it. I've been told I do it for attention. I've been told to quit faking it. BELIEVE ME, I WISH I KNEW HOW!! NOTHING is more embarrassing than being a 33 year old MANAGER and crying when trying to get your staff to do their job because you're so pissed off! Crying when you are trying your hardest to be strong and not let something get to you.
My ex-husband wasn't very nice to me. Even from the beginning he called me names but I chose to continue on in the relationship because the ONE time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant with #1. I tried to make it work. I swear I did. But he's the type of person that it's his way or no way...or at least he was with me. There was no compromise. I remember when we got iPods for the first time. We couldn't afford to get 2 of the 16gb so he got a 16GB and I got a 4GB. Then there was the time we got laptops. We bought the exact same one for both of us. He then decided his wasn't good enough to play his games on, took it back and got himself a better one. We couldn't afford much, being a military family and me a stay at home mom. I did try and work. I worked at a family sports bar on the base which led to a job as a karaoke DJ. He never considered either of them real jobs. Even when I was working them both at the same time. He used to tell me I wasn't working, I was partying. He always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
So, where am i going with this? Simple tasks especially ones that involve someone who has made you feel bad for any reason or someone you feel like you may have let down...a boss, a loved one, a friend....feel like torture when you deal with anxiety and depression. Just the thought of having to text/call him...seeing him is worse....my hands get clammy, my heart pounds, my chest tightens, i get a lump in my throat and i just overall feel ill to the point it is almost paralyzing.
People who don't have these issues try to tell you .... "Well, just get over it" ....oh I wish I could. Believe me, I do! I know that him making me feel weak and small only fuels him more. He thinks he's better than me. If I see his name on the caller ID (texts because he refuses to speak to me) I instantly go into fight or flight mode. I know that if he's messaging me, there's nothing good coming. I'm going to be chastised for something I did or said that he felt was wrong or inappropriate but I'm not allowed to do the same to him.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medications. Nothing ever really makes it go away. It's always there....lingering in the background. I know in my heart I am a good person with good intentions. I love my children more than anything in the universe and I know I'm a good mom no matter what he says.
Dealing with these things and being around people who don't understand what it's like can be frustrating. It's not something that is easy to explain or comprehend. People who don't have it, don't understand how much you just want to be normal and not paralyzed with fears and anxieties that you know in your head are illogical.
I only hope and pray that one day they can find a cure that doesn't involve having a foggy head and emotional numbness.
<# & peace be with you
My ex-husband wasn't very nice to me. Even from the beginning he called me names but I chose to continue on in the relationship because the ONE time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant with #1. I tried to make it work. I swear I did. But he's the type of person that it's his way or no way...or at least he was with me. There was no compromise. I remember when we got iPods for the first time. We couldn't afford to get 2 of the 16gb so he got a 16GB and I got a 4GB. Then there was the time we got laptops. We bought the exact same one for both of us. He then decided his wasn't good enough to play his games on, took it back and got himself a better one. We couldn't afford much, being a military family and me a stay at home mom. I did try and work. I worked at a family sports bar on the base which led to a job as a karaoke DJ. He never considered either of them real jobs. Even when I was working them both at the same time. He used to tell me I wasn't working, I was partying. He always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
So, where am i going with this? Simple tasks especially ones that involve someone who has made you feel bad for any reason or someone you feel like you may have let down...a boss, a loved one, a friend....feel like torture when you deal with anxiety and depression. Just the thought of having to text/call him...seeing him is worse....my hands get clammy, my heart pounds, my chest tightens, i get a lump in my throat and i just overall feel ill to the point it is almost paralyzing.
People who don't have these issues try to tell you .... "Well, just get over it" ....oh I wish I could. Believe me, I do! I know that him making me feel weak and small only fuels him more. He thinks he's better than me. If I see his name on the caller ID (texts because he refuses to speak to me) I instantly go into fight or flight mode. I know that if he's messaging me, there's nothing good coming. I'm going to be chastised for something I did or said that he felt was wrong or inappropriate but I'm not allowed to do the same to him.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medications. Nothing ever really makes it go away. It's always there....lingering in the background. I know in my heart I am a good person with good intentions. I love my children more than anything in the universe and I know I'm a good mom no matter what he says.
Dealing with these things and being around people who don't understand what it's like can be frustrating. It's not something that is easy to explain or comprehend. People who don't have it, don't understand how much you just want to be normal and not paralyzed with fears and anxieties that you know in your head are illogical.
I only hope and pray that one day they can find a cure that doesn't involve having a foggy head and emotional numbness.
<# & peace be with you
Wow...how life has changed.....The Ugliness of Mental Disorders
I came to blogger today to start a new blog with the intentions of sticking with it. There's a lot going on in my mind lately and I need to get it out. Looking back at those posts nearly 3 years ago....so much has changed including myself in so many ways I don't know where to begin.....
So let's start with today because if i back track to everything over the last 3 years, this post will be a book instead of a chapter....lol.
Will try my best to give a brief synopses of those 3 years. My girls no longer live with me and they haven't since June 2011. Mike and I split and my life has basically been in a downward spiral since. I lost my job as a manager of McD's in Jan 2013. I have been with Brandon since Sept 2011. In Mar 2013 we found out we were expecting and had a baby girl in Dec 2013. My girls are now 11, 9 (today) and 8 months old. #1 is starting middle school in a week! #2 is going into 4th grade and #3 now has 2 more teeth coming in for a total of 4!!
I start classes towards my nursing degree at Fay Tech CC on Monday. Taking this semester online because we don't have any means of transportation and the bus stop is 2 miles away and not safe to walk to with the baby. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am taking 5 classes... Anatomy & Physiology I, Psychology, Intro to Computers, The Art of Public Speaking & Writing Composition. The first 2 will most likely be the hardest. The other 3 I expect to be a breeze.
I am hoping to use this page as a way to help me work through the ugliness of my conditions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety & ADHD w/OCD tendancies. It's an ugly combination. I'm finding more and more that people really DON'T understand and CAN'T understand what it's like to live with these conditions unless they have them themselves. I hope this page will help bring people together who suffer and know they're not the only ones. I hope that we can support and uplift each other in our endeavors to overcome the ugly disease that is chronic depression.
<3 & Peace be with us on our journey!
So let's start with today because if i back track to everything over the last 3 years, this post will be a book instead of a chapter....lol.
Will try my best to give a brief synopses of those 3 years. My girls no longer live with me and they haven't since June 2011. Mike and I split and my life has basically been in a downward spiral since. I lost my job as a manager of McD's in Jan 2013. I have been with Brandon since Sept 2011. In Mar 2013 we found out we were expecting and had a baby girl in Dec 2013. My girls are now 11, 9 (today) and 8 months old. #1 is starting middle school in a week! #2 is going into 4th grade and #3 now has 2 more teeth coming in for a total of 4!!
I start classes towards my nursing degree at Fay Tech CC on Monday. Taking this semester online because we don't have any means of transportation and the bus stop is 2 miles away and not safe to walk to with the baby. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am taking 5 classes... Anatomy & Physiology I, Psychology, Intro to Computers, The Art of Public Speaking & Writing Composition. The first 2 will most likely be the hardest. The other 3 I expect to be a breeze.
I am hoping to use this page as a way to help me work through the ugliness of my conditions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety & ADHD w/OCD tendancies. It's an ugly combination. I'm finding more and more that people really DON'T understand and CAN'T understand what it's like to live with these conditions unless they have them themselves. I hope this page will help bring people together who suffer and know they're not the only ones. I hope that we can support and uplift each other in our endeavors to overcome the ugly disease that is chronic depression.
<3 & Peace be with us on our journey!
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