When you live with depression and anxiety, others simply don't understand what it's like. You look normal on the outside and for the most part you are. Unfortunately, your brain works differently than most people's. While I KNOW what I feel is illogical and stupid....it's not something I can control....like the crying. My whole life I've been chastised for it. I've been told I do it for attention. I've been told to quit faking it. BELIEVE ME, I WISH I KNEW HOW!! NOTHING is more embarrassing than being a 33 year old MANAGER and crying when trying to get your staff to do their job because you're so pissed off! Crying when you are trying your hardest to be strong and not let something get to you.
My ex-husband wasn't very nice to me. Even from the beginning he called me names but I chose to continue on in the relationship because the ONE time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant with #1. I tried to make it work. I swear I did. But he's the type of person that it's his way or no way...or at least he was with me. There was no compromise. I remember when we got iPods for the first time. We couldn't afford to get 2 of the 16gb so he got a 16GB and I got a 4GB. Then there was the time we got laptops. We bought the exact same one for both of us. He then decided his wasn't good enough to play his games on, took it back and got himself a better one. We couldn't afford much, being a military family and me a stay at home mom. I did try and work. I worked at a family sports bar on the base which led to a job as a karaoke DJ. He never considered either of them real jobs. Even when I was working them both at the same time. He used to tell me I wasn't working, I was partying. He always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
So, where am i going with this? Simple tasks especially ones that involve someone who has made you feel bad for any reason or someone you feel like you may have let down...a boss, a loved one, a friend....feel like torture when you deal with anxiety and depression. Just the thought of having to text/call him...seeing him is worse....my hands get clammy, my heart pounds, my chest tightens, i get a lump in my throat and i just overall feel ill to the point it is almost paralyzing.
People who don't have these issues try to tell you .... "Well, just get over it" ....oh I wish I could. Believe me, I do! I know that him making me feel weak and small only fuels him more. He thinks he's better than me. If I see his name on the caller ID (texts because he refuses to speak to me) I instantly go into fight or flight mode. I know that if he's messaging me, there's nothing good coming. I'm going to be chastised for something I did or said that he felt was wrong or inappropriate but I'm not allowed to do the same to him.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medications. Nothing ever really makes it go away. It's always there....lingering in the background. I know in my heart I am a good person with good intentions. I love my children more than anything in the universe and I know I'm a good mom no matter what he says.
Dealing with these things and being around people who don't understand what it's like can be frustrating. It's not something that is easy to explain or comprehend. People who don't have it, don't understand how much you just want to be normal and not paralyzed with fears and anxieties that you know in your head are illogical.
I only hope and pray that one day they can find a cure that doesn't involve having a foggy head and emotional numbness.
<# & peace be with you
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