Saturday, November 29, 2014
Why do I do this to Myself??
So 2 days ago I called my girls to see how they were doing and their plans for thanksgiving....I haven't seen them since August 7th when their dad decided that if I didn't have my own vehicle, then they couldn't come over for their court ordered visitation. I got tablets for them, myself and B for our christmas/bday presents. When I called them, I let them know I had got their presents and invited them to Victoria's bday party. Well, I installed twitter on my tablet a little bit ago..... I decided to check their dad and Nat's to see what's going on with them since I'm blocked on facebook and see a post from Nature and days ago just after my call that saysher poor sweet girl was shattered. I had their bday party planned here for Aug 16th due to $$ issues. It's not my fault that their dad refused to let them come over after the 7th of Aug...... So why is Nat's "Daughter" so Shattered??? She's not yours..... She's mine..... I didn't give her up...... You and your husband refuse to allow me to be close to thembc in your eyes, I'm the bad guy. I may not be the perfect parent..... But I love my girls - all day of them - more than life itself
Monday, November 10, 2014
Starting is the hardest part.....
I haven't been doing well lately....I had to o to court Thursday for my first Child Support Hearing. Nobody was able to go with me, so I was all alone. The days leading up to court were stressful...the physical reaction my body has when I have to face my ex or his wife...well, it takes it's toll. I hate it. Just knowing I'm going to see or hear them-my chest tightens, my heart races, my hands get clammy and shaky. In fact, my whole body gets shaky and I begin to feel like a child again. So many years, of nothing ever being good enough for him....so many years since the divorce of him continually chastising me for everything...how and what I say or do around my own children. He treats me with disdain and does not try to include me in their lives at all. He shares NO INFORMATION with me. In fact, unless he's telling me I did something wrong-he doesn't speak to me at all. I want nothing more than to look like a strong confident person who's got it all together when I am around them--but the way he makes me feel like a child and like I'm incompetent--always second guessing myself...
I was ok until I had to go back and talk to the child support agent and she told me I had to stand in front of the judge. Then I lost it and started crying. She let me go out the side door so he & his wife couldn't see me. I paced around, then went to speak to the bailiff about finding a public phone so I could call my doctor (i had accidentally brought the atarax with me instead of the klonipin and I was having a really bad panic attack).....I found out the judge wouldn't be in until 11, so I walked around downtown to try and calm myself as well as find a wifi signal so I could use my phone and call home.
Of course, calling home was only of little relief. I continued walking around and even stopped for a coffee until it was time to go back to the courtroom. While I waited for my turn I wrote, rewrote and rewrote again what I wanted to say....I felt calm and I felt good. However, the moment she called our names-the panic began. I couldn't speak without my voice shaking. I felt like a kid again--getting ready to be punished. I told her about the clause that states the girls can't be alone with B and how that affects my ability to work full time as well as the fact that I have a baby at home and take classes online because I can't afford child care for her. She asked me if my health was good and I told her no. She asked and I told her ADHD and PTSD. It was the first time I said anything about it to anyone other than family since I was diagnosed with PTSD) Not one time did I even dare turn to look towards him. In the end, I do have to pay child support-and while the amount is miniscule ($62/mo total for 2 kids)...it's the principle of the matter that sent me into yet another panic attack. I ran out of the courthouse as fast as I could.
I felt utterly defeated--You have my kids, which you haven't let me see in 2 months (child support and custody are two separate courts), you have taken my sanity and now what little money I have....I can't even see your name without having a panic attack-dialing the phone sends me into a panic attack-when you do let me see my children I feel like I can't be myself and have to be super careful about everything because I never know what they are going to say to you that is going to have you chastising me again for being a screw-up. I SHOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME!! But you have ingrained into me that in your eyes-I am worthless and since you have my children-I feel like I have to continually prove myself to you even though i know it will never change the way you treat me.
What my children think about me is important. I want them to love me, not feel sorry for me. I want to be there every step of the way for everything - be a part of their daily life but my fear of you is what paralyzes me....why should I try when they value your's and your wife's opinions over mine and you don't support me at all because to you and your wife - everything I do is wrong. Just because its not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong....
All I can do is try to work through this and hope that when they are older, they understand that I never stopped thinking about them....that I spend many many sleepless nights worried about them but to scared to pick up the phone. Too scared of being rejected that I can't even begin...
"We can train our bodies to forget, but not our minds--your past, your secrets mark you always-like it or not"-Forever(TV SHOW-ABC)
Saturday, October 25, 2014
A New Day -- How I Got PTSD
I finally got to see my pDoc yesterday!
Overall things went really well. It took a month but I was able to get back in with the same practice that has been treating me off and on (due to insurance) since 2008. Dr. Chris is wonderful. Makes me feel good about the treatment plan.
I have been given WAY more meds than ever before--but due to all the life changes that have occurred over the last 2 years, I feel it is best. This is the first time I have been given a medication for my bipolar. I am back on my Adderall 20mg 2/day like before. Prozac 20mg 1/day (mood stabilizer) Klonipin .5mg/as needed (for anxiety) and Atarax 25mg/as needed (for nerves/itching) and Saphris 5mg (sublingual) for sleep and bipolar mania. When i get particularly stressed, my face and arms get a really itchy feeling...not like i need to scratch it kind of itch but just rubbing the area brings temporary relief. That is what the Atarax is for. The "itchy" feeling is all my nerve endings firing off nearly simultaneously.
He wants to see me again in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing and if we need to change and medications. He basically told me what I already knew---that I have lost my sense of self worth and need to get back into therapy with Ms. Kim to try to regain that and overcome my newest diagnosis (which I was already aware of but not diagnosed until yesterday)--PTSD.
The PTSD has been identified as coming from 2 different points in my life:
The first cause of my PTSD:: living with parents who didn't get me treated for or diagnosed with ADHD and treated me like I was a normal kid. They chastised me on a regular basis for being messy and lazy. I was always in trouble for saying the wrong things (even though my heart was in the right place). No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Praise was something I rarely received growing up. Singing-that was the only thing they were proud of me doing. Yet, unless it was at church, they were never there for any of my performances. Other things were always more important. When it came to chores-I could never do those well enough either. If my sister didn't do hers-I was in trouble because I was the oldest and should've made her do them. They never allowed me to be who I am and wanted to conform me to what they wanted me to be. Their mantra of "Do as I say, Not as I do" l only aided in me seeing them as hypocrites. Their other favorite phrase "Because I said so" left me feeling empty and confused as in the only purpose for me to do/not do something was because they said so which was not good enough for a mind that needed--begged to understand WHY!!
In a recent conversation with my sister, I learned something I never realized before...She says: why do you think I was always defending you. Even as a child she saw the unfairness. It's only been since the recent trip with my mother that I began to realize all these things--maybe I had blocked them out...children want to think the best of their parents. But when I look at it now, I see my mother was a selfish narcissist and has made it clear to me that, at age 53, she is too old to change and I need to deal with it. When I'm her age....my children will be 20, 28 & 30. While it hurts, my way of dealing with it is to cut her, and my father (step) out of my life and since my biological father died in 2002---I don't have parents.
The second cause of my PTSD was my marriage---basically a continuation of the emotional abuse I suffered my my parents. I can remember the beginning that I shouldn't be in that relationship---I was delusional in thinking I might get a fairy tale. I was always told that the person for you has always been right there. My family had been connected to his family for as long as I can remember but I didn't meet him until High School. These are the things I learned after I met him: his cousin grew up in the neighborhood next to me-we shared the same bus stop since 2nd grade. The church I went to starting going to in middle school had a big family of 6 that often did things with his big family of 5. His grandfather taught my mother in one of her computer classes when she went to Lively VoTech. His grandfather was the civilian liaison for the Army National Guard unit I joined at 17. His house was 5 minutes from best friend's house.
That delusion and the low self esteem growing up with parents who didn't support me had made me into the type of person who would put up with anything, even losing myself, in order to have the life I always wanted.
It started even before we were married. I remember the days leading up to my suspicion that I might be pregnant. I remember him being upset that I wouldn't let him go anywhere near my beasts because they were sooo tender and sore. I remember getting heartburn, which I had never had before. Then, at my Aunt Annie Ruth's funeral-my cousins David and Gina swearing up and down I was pregnant. Then came the nausea. While he was at work, I remember getting online to see if there was anyway I could determine pregnancy without buying the test. I knew we only had a few dollars left until payday....my mind was driving me insane...my period which was normally like clock work, was a week late. I remember pacing and stressing on how I was going to justify spending $6 if the test was negative (the dollar tree didn't sell them back then)...finally, I got into the car and went and got the test and took it-it was positive. At this point we had only been together a few months. We were already living together because my mom kicked me since I had a boyfriend I could go live with. Now, the stress was how to tell him. I thought for certain he would be mad. I mean, I was his first sexual encounter (only because he lied to me about being a virgin-i wouldn't have if I had known and he knew that) and we only didn't use protection ONE time. Luckily, in this case, he was ecstatic and we ended up getting married just a few months before she was born.
There were red flags even before we got married that I ignored because I was pregnant and scared to be on my own...Throughout the years, the emotional abuse only got worse. He was embarrassed by me-because I talked to much or said the wrong things at the wrong times. He, like my mother, had me always second guessing myself and worrying if what I was going was going to make him mad or upset in anyway. His wrath and his anger were nothing I wanted to have to deal with. If you hurt his feelings in anyway he would hurt yours back in the most vicious way possible. It was almost like a competition with him. I felt like I wasn't allowed to voice how I felt, ever and when I did I was full of shit.
We went to marriage counseling, when we left, he would yell at me for either a) not letting him speak or b)because I made him look bad. When I did let him speak-he had nothing to say. It was a vicious cycle. We attempted separation a time or two. But I always went back to him-too frightened to leave and be on my own. I knew when I finally did walk out that door-I would have to do something sooo drastic that he would never want to be with me EVER again because I couldn't see it being healthy for myself or my children to live our lives walking on eggshells so that we didn't upset Daddy, but that story is for another day...I've really got to get to my school work while little miss V is taking her nap (she's been sick and was up at 415am-went back to sleep about 7am)
Overall things went really well. It took a month but I was able to get back in with the same practice that has been treating me off and on (due to insurance) since 2008. Dr. Chris is wonderful. Makes me feel good about the treatment plan.
I have been given WAY more meds than ever before--but due to all the life changes that have occurred over the last 2 years, I feel it is best. This is the first time I have been given a medication for my bipolar. I am back on my Adderall 20mg 2/day like before. Prozac 20mg 1/day (mood stabilizer) Klonipin .5mg/as needed (for anxiety) and Atarax 25mg/as needed (for nerves/itching) and Saphris 5mg (sublingual) for sleep and bipolar mania. When i get particularly stressed, my face and arms get a really itchy feeling...not like i need to scratch it kind of itch but just rubbing the area brings temporary relief. That is what the Atarax is for. The "itchy" feeling is all my nerve endings firing off nearly simultaneously.
He wants to see me again in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing and if we need to change and medications. He basically told me what I already knew---that I have lost my sense of self worth and need to get back into therapy with Ms. Kim to try to regain that and overcome my newest diagnosis (which I was already aware of but not diagnosed until yesterday)--PTSD.
The PTSD has been identified as coming from 2 different points in my life:
The first cause of my PTSD:: living with parents who didn't get me treated for or diagnosed with ADHD and treated me like I was a normal kid. They chastised me on a regular basis for being messy and lazy. I was always in trouble for saying the wrong things (even though my heart was in the right place). No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Praise was something I rarely received growing up. Singing-that was the only thing they were proud of me doing. Yet, unless it was at church, they were never there for any of my performances. Other things were always more important. When it came to chores-I could never do those well enough either. If my sister didn't do hers-I was in trouble because I was the oldest and should've made her do them. They never allowed me to be who I am and wanted to conform me to what they wanted me to be. Their mantra of "Do as I say, Not as I do" l only aided in me seeing them as hypocrites. Their other favorite phrase "Because I said so" left me feeling empty and confused as in the only purpose for me to do/not do something was because they said so which was not good enough for a mind that needed--begged to understand WHY!!
In a recent conversation with my sister, I learned something I never realized before...She says: why do you think I was always defending you. Even as a child she saw the unfairness. It's only been since the recent trip with my mother that I began to realize all these things--maybe I had blocked them out...children want to think the best of their parents. But when I look at it now, I see my mother was a selfish narcissist and has made it clear to me that, at age 53, she is too old to change and I need to deal with it. When I'm her age....my children will be 20, 28 & 30. While it hurts, my way of dealing with it is to cut her, and my father (step) out of my life and since my biological father died in 2002---I don't have parents.
The second cause of my PTSD was my marriage---basically a continuation of the emotional abuse I suffered my my parents. I can remember the beginning that I shouldn't be in that relationship---I was delusional in thinking I might get a fairy tale. I was always told that the person for you has always been right there. My family had been connected to his family for as long as I can remember but I didn't meet him until High School. These are the things I learned after I met him: his cousin grew up in the neighborhood next to me-we shared the same bus stop since 2nd grade. The church I went to starting going to in middle school had a big family of 6 that often did things with his big family of 5. His grandfather taught my mother in one of her computer classes when she went to Lively VoTech. His grandfather was the civilian liaison for the Army National Guard unit I joined at 17. His house was 5 minutes from best friend's house.
That delusion and the low self esteem growing up with parents who didn't support me had made me into the type of person who would put up with anything, even losing myself, in order to have the life I always wanted.
It started even before we were married. I remember the days leading up to my suspicion that I might be pregnant. I remember him being upset that I wouldn't let him go anywhere near my beasts because they were sooo tender and sore. I remember getting heartburn, which I had never had before. Then, at my Aunt Annie Ruth's funeral-my cousins David and Gina swearing up and down I was pregnant. Then came the nausea. While he was at work, I remember getting online to see if there was anyway I could determine pregnancy without buying the test. I knew we only had a few dollars left until payday....my mind was driving me insane...my period which was normally like clock work, was a week late. I remember pacing and stressing on how I was going to justify spending $6 if the test was negative (the dollar tree didn't sell them back then)...finally, I got into the car and went and got the test and took it-it was positive. At this point we had only been together a few months. We were already living together because my mom kicked me since I had a boyfriend I could go live with. Now, the stress was how to tell him. I thought for certain he would be mad. I mean, I was his first sexual encounter (only because he lied to me about being a virgin-i wouldn't have if I had known and he knew that) and we only didn't use protection ONE time. Luckily, in this case, he was ecstatic and we ended up getting married just a few months before she was born.
There were red flags even before we got married that I ignored because I was pregnant and scared to be on my own...Throughout the years, the emotional abuse only got worse. He was embarrassed by me-because I talked to much or said the wrong things at the wrong times. He, like my mother, had me always second guessing myself and worrying if what I was going was going to make him mad or upset in anyway. His wrath and his anger were nothing I wanted to have to deal with. If you hurt his feelings in anyway he would hurt yours back in the most vicious way possible. It was almost like a competition with him. I felt like I wasn't allowed to voice how I felt, ever and when I did I was full of shit.
We went to marriage counseling, when we left, he would yell at me for either a) not letting him speak or b)because I made him look bad. When I did let him speak-he had nothing to say. It was a vicious cycle. We attempted separation a time or two. But I always went back to him-too frightened to leave and be on my own. I knew when I finally did walk out that door-I would have to do something sooo drastic that he would never want to be with me EVER again because I couldn't see it being healthy for myself or my children to live our lives walking on eggshells so that we didn't upset Daddy, but that story is for another day...I've really got to get to my school work while little miss V is taking her nap (she's been sick and was up at 415am-went back to sleep about 7am)
Tuesday, October 21, 2014
Overwhelmed
Been feeling seriously overwhelmed today.....Just feel like everything is piling up and I'm paralyzed to do anything about it. Part of my brain says...go go go...you got to do it ALL. Right Now! and the other part says: It's just too much, it's hopeless. I know...start small....but then there's that part of me that says: If you can't do it perfect, don't do it at all. UUUGGGHHHH!!!! I hate my stupid ADHD/OCD/BIPLOAR brain. Can't wait until I go to doctor on Friday to get my meds and be on my way to relieving some of these symptoms.
12 Reasons to Love Being ADD -via Lifehack.og
12 Reasons Why You Should Love Having ADD
by June Silny
Since third grade you knew you were different. One minute you were staring out the window lost in the trees and the next minute you were chewing an intricate wood carving design into your No. 2 pencil. Teachers didn’t know how to handle you even though they told your mother, “He has so much potential if only he could sit still, pay attention, and focus on his work.”
Years ago (before everyone was diagnosed with ADD), the child who was unlike the others was labeled creative. You knew that if school was too difficult for you, there would be several other fabulous, fun and exciting careers for imaginative thinkers.
Well, the time has come to improve your relationship with those three dreaded letters -ADD. They’ve haunted you for long enough. There’s been so much attention on how terrible it is to have “ADD” that you forgot how great it is to have the those “special” abilities and the super-powers that come along with it.
Yes, it’s true. Each trait has a positive and negative side to it.
After one receives a diagnosis of ADD, you can only think about all the things that are wrong with you. “This causes feelings of shame, fear, andself-doubt,” according to Edward Hallowell, M.D.
Focusing on the negative aspects of ADD keeps you locked into feeling stuck or that things are just “too hard” to work through. But when you flip the focus and see that each (so-called) negative trait has a positive side to it, you will see just how beneficial ADD can be. Magic happens when you see the true mirror image of each trait.
If you’re not sure if you have ADD (or ADHD), check this out video…
Negative labels are destructive to everyone, especially to the person who labels him/her self. Dump those negative labels and let’s see just how amazing you are!
1. You see what others don’t see, you see more.
Your creative perspective gives you x-ray vision to see beyond the surface. Some people see raindrops, you see sparkling reflective circles dancing on your window.
2. You’re a champion multi-tasker.
Pity those poor people who can only manage do one thing at a time. Not you! You’re a super-task-master. Maybe you’ve got three computer screens going on at once or you’re working two cellphones and a landline at the same time. No problem. You can handle it.
3. You’re philosophically deeper than most people.
Your conversations jump off the pages of a Dostoyevsky novel. Boring, you are not!
4. You are an artist, an actor, a writer, marketing expert, chef, Wall Street trader, a musician, or filmmaker.
You’re a comedian, a hairstylist, or cabinetmaker. Maybe you work for Google. Who else would be able to understand the detailed path of algorithms and coding? The world needs you.
5. When you find something you love, you do it with passion.
Once your engine kicks in, nothing can stop you. Passion drives you to greatness.
6. Change doesn’t scare you.
In fact, you love it. You’re flexible and go with the flow, wherever it takes you. You’re a risk taker who will venture into new projects without a worry. No big deal. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll try something else.
7. You’re an out-of-the-box thinker.
You have innovative ideas most people would never think of. Ingenious ideas fly into brain all hours of the day and night.
8. Your awesome sense of humor keeps you optimistic.
You love to laugh. Like all great comedians you find something funny or look at the bright side of issues that would bring most people to a state of doom and gloom.
9. You are resilient.
Not much knocks you down, and if it does, you wipe yourself off, get back up and never quit until you get it right.
10. You work great under pressure.
Actually, you work even better under pressure. You can stay up all night preparing a spectacular presentation and then deliver it the next day with an Oscar-worthy performance.
11. You have a photographic memory.
Be it numbers, words, letters, or places, those digits stick. Your brain is a warehouse, a storage center, archiving memories and visuals since you were two years old.
12. You are compassionate, empathetic, and totally lovable.
Your loving heart lets you feel what is in someone else’s heart. You’re the sweetest boyfriend (or girlfriend), husband (or wife), friend, sibling anyboy could ever want.
Who said it’s so terrible to have ADD?
Isn’t it time to start loving your special gifts? Admit it, you’re fabulous!
{ORIGINAL ARTICLE}
by June Silny
Since third grade you knew you were different. One minute you were staring out the window lost in the trees and the next minute you were chewing an intricate wood carving design into your No. 2 pencil. Teachers didn’t know how to handle you even though they told your mother, “He has so much potential if only he could sit still, pay attention, and focus on his work.”
Years ago (before everyone was diagnosed with ADD), the child who was unlike the others was labeled creative. You knew that if school was too difficult for you, there would be several other fabulous, fun and exciting careers for imaginative thinkers.
Well, the time has come to improve your relationship with those three dreaded letters -ADD. They’ve haunted you for long enough. There’s been so much attention on how terrible it is to have “ADD” that you forgot how great it is to have the those “special” abilities and the super-powers that come along with it.
Yes, it’s true. Each trait has a positive and negative side to it.
After one receives a diagnosis of ADD, you can only think about all the things that are wrong with you. “This causes feelings of shame, fear, andself-doubt,” according to Edward Hallowell, M.D.
Focusing on the negative aspects of ADD keeps you locked into feeling stuck or that things are just “too hard” to work through. But when you flip the focus and see that each (so-called) negative trait has a positive side to it, you will see just how beneficial ADD can be. Magic happens when you see the true mirror image of each trait.
If you’re not sure if you have ADD (or ADHD), check this out video…
Negative labels are destructive to everyone, especially to the person who labels him/her self. Dump those negative labels and let’s see just how amazing you are!
1. You see what others don’t see, you see more.
Your creative perspective gives you x-ray vision to see beyond the surface. Some people see raindrops, you see sparkling reflective circles dancing on your window.
2. You’re a champion multi-tasker.
Pity those poor people who can only manage do one thing at a time. Not you! You’re a super-task-master. Maybe you’ve got three computer screens going on at once or you’re working two cellphones and a landline at the same time. No problem. You can handle it.
3. You’re philosophically deeper than most people.
Your conversations jump off the pages of a Dostoyevsky novel. Boring, you are not!
4. You are an artist, an actor, a writer, marketing expert, chef, Wall Street trader, a musician, or filmmaker.
You’re a comedian, a hairstylist, or cabinetmaker. Maybe you work for Google. Who else would be able to understand the detailed path of algorithms and coding? The world needs you.
5. When you find something you love, you do it with passion.
Once your engine kicks in, nothing can stop you. Passion drives you to greatness.
6. Change doesn’t scare you.
In fact, you love it. You’re flexible and go with the flow, wherever it takes you. You’re a risk taker who will venture into new projects without a worry. No big deal. If it doesn’t work out, you’ll try something else.
7. You’re an out-of-the-box thinker.
You have innovative ideas most people would never think of. Ingenious ideas fly into brain all hours of the day and night.
8. Your awesome sense of humor keeps you optimistic.
You love to laugh. Like all great comedians you find something funny or look at the bright side of issues that would bring most people to a state of doom and gloom.
9. You are resilient.
Not much knocks you down, and if it does, you wipe yourself off, get back up and never quit until you get it right.
10. You work great under pressure.
Actually, you work even better under pressure. You can stay up all night preparing a spectacular presentation and then deliver it the next day with an Oscar-worthy performance.
11. You have a photographic memory.
Be it numbers, words, letters, or places, those digits stick. Your brain is a warehouse, a storage center, archiving memories and visuals since you were two years old.
12. You are compassionate, empathetic, and totally lovable.
Your loving heart lets you feel what is in someone else’s heart. You’re the sweetest boyfriend (or girlfriend), husband (or wife), friend, sibling anyboy could ever want.
Who said it’s so terrible to have ADD?
Isn’t it time to start loving your special gifts? Admit it, you’re fabulous!
{ORIGINAL ARTICLE}
I've been published!!
Two days ago I found out that October is ADHD Awareness Month. I posted my story on my FB timeline (same as my previous post) and as well as my intro to becoming an Admin on Our ADHD Story group on FB and now it's on the Our ADHD Story blog!!! Yea!! Feels great to get it out since I know I'm pretty much talking to myself on here! LoL! Hopefully, I won't lose sight of this blog and it will one day be something my children can look back on! =) They're 11, 9 & 10 months....so it will be awhile before I feel they are mature enough to handle this! lol!
Monday, October 20, 2014
Shiny Friends
I support ADHD Awareness! October is ADHD Awareness Month
Here is my story:
For most of my life, I always knew there was something different about me. I struggled with fitting in. People often found me overwhelming. I cried at the drop of a hat. I couldn't sit still.....unless I was crafting or playing video games---that I could do for hours on end. I have always wanted things to be nice and neat and in their place and I get easily stressed out when it's not "perfect." I was constantly getting reprimanded for interrupting people. Having to do anything I wasn't interested in was torture. I was a master at starting off projects like a rockstar and horrible at the follow through.
All I wanted in life was to be normal. It killed me inside that other people can do these simple tasks but for me, it felt like there was an invisible force holding me down. I hated that I couldn't make friends and began a vicious cycle of being a people pleaser in order to make people like me and be my friend. In the end, I had NO CLUE who I was.
I got married, I had kids. Still I felt like I was living the way I should live to make him happy and stay with me. When I had children, l was constantly in a state of feeling overwhelmed. I couldn't understand how what seemed so easy for other moms was sooooo hard for me. I was criticized, called lazy and crazy more times that I can recall.
I was 28 when I was diagnosed. It took me a year to accept the diagnosis which was officially ADHD w/ OCD tendencies and Bipolar Disorder. The road has not been easy. I am divorced now. Since then, I have finally begun to find out who I really am and stops fighting this invisible illness that I cannot control. The struggle to live a normal life is tough. It's hard to maintain relationships because most people believe ADHD isn't real. Not only is it real, it's passed though genetics and you can't grow out of it.Which means, if you have a child that has ADHD, chances are---you or your spouse have it too---and if you have it then one of your parents has it too. So far--1 of my three daughters have been diagnosed (1 has never been tested-the other one is too young). Both my sister and my mother are suspected to have it and I have been diagnosed.
ADHD effects the prefrontal cortex in the brain which controls sustaining attention over a delay, inhibiting distraction, and dividing attention. It also controls behavior and judgement as well as emotional responses. Most importantly--THERE IS NO CURE. Symptoms can be relieved with medication...but medication can also dull what makes a person with ADHD so special.
Being ADHD doesn't mean you're a bad person. It just means you don't think the same way as other people and you do & learn things differently.
Awareness is the key to reducing the stigma!!
I share my story to raise awareness.
I am no longer ashamed of my diagnosis and who I am!
Shine On My Shiny Friends!!
Friday, October 17, 2014
Yes!
With a few minor adjustments-I can grasp the concept of cleaning, I just get easily overwhelmed due to the OCD and need someone who isn't afraid to share the responsibilities. I mean, I was raised that whoever cooks dinner, the other washes dishes and or puts it away. It is a partnership after all and if you can't work together, nothing will keep you together.
I do like to dress-up and look ladylike, just not so good and BEING ladylike.
When I fly off the handle-don't yell at me or walk away from me-HOLD ME! That is my secret. If you hold me in your arms, I WILL calm down. It works like magic every time! So just wrap me up and squeeze me close to you.
Let the light of my goofiness shine! Don't try and make me hide who I am, it will only backfire and that awesome girl you fell in love with will disappear behind a dark cloud.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Troubled
My heart is heavy.
My mind is heavy.
So many things going on between the two of them.
How do you know what's real and what's just my emotional state running wild?
It feels real.
It also feels too good to be true.
Especially with the hard decisions that will have to occur to make it work.
What do I have to show for the last 5 years trying to make it here?
I'm scared but at the same time....I've never felt like such a risk might be worth it.
Is it grandiose thinking or is it time to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith?
I used to always believe that everything happens for a reason. However, I have also come to realized that my impatience has also cause a lot of missed opportunities in my life. I have often not waited on a good thing and settled for what was now only to kick myself later. My life would have gone in a totally different direction if I had just waited.
On the outside, I am a strong, confident,
risk taker who isn't afraid to fail.
On the inside, I'm a scared impatient little
girl who needs to be reassured that she's doing
the right thing.
What is the RIGHT thing? How do I know my decisions aren't going to land me heartbroken and lost--again.
I know something in my life needs to change and change big.
I can't keep going on living like this.
It's not good for me or my children.
A risk like this would take many many months to come to fruition....and who knows what will happen in those months.
Time is the only thing that will prove to me if this is the direction I should go--if only I can be patient.
My mind is heavy.
So many things going on between the two of them.
How do you know what's real and what's just my emotional state running wild?
It feels real.
It also feels too good to be true.
Especially with the hard decisions that will have to occur to make it work.
What do I have to show for the last 5 years trying to make it here?
I'm scared but at the same time....I've never felt like such a risk might be worth it.
Is it grandiose thinking or is it time to step out of my comfort zone and take a leap of faith?
I used to always believe that everything happens for a reason. However, I have also come to realized that my impatience has also cause a lot of missed opportunities in my life. I have often not waited on a good thing and settled for what was now only to kick myself later. My life would have gone in a totally different direction if I had just waited.
On the outside, I am a strong, confident,
risk taker who isn't afraid to fail.
On the inside, I'm a scared impatient little
girl who needs to be reassured that she's doing
the right thing.
What is the RIGHT thing? How do I know my decisions aren't going to land me heartbroken and lost--again.
I know something in my life needs to change and change big.
I can't keep going on living like this.
It's not good for me or my children.
A risk like this would take many many months to come to fruition....and who knows what will happen in those months.
Time is the only thing that will prove to me if this is the direction I should go--if only I can be patient.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Heart Songs
I want to feel what these songs once made me feel....
All the lyrics speak to me.
Martina McBride - I Just Call You Mine
This song used to be me.
I want to be that girl again.
I want to shine.
I want someone who lets me shine and loves me for me.
Someone who knows what I'm worth and treats me that way.
I want to be able to sing this song again with the passion I once did.
"Nothing makes sense when you're not hear as if the whole world disappears, Without you what's the point of it......
You're the dream that I've been chasing, after years of waiting, for a chance to finally shine. Everyone calls you amazing, I just call you mine."
Bruno Mars - Just the Way You Are
What girl wouldn't want a man who is completely in love with her for who she is? This song is self explanatory....
You know, you know, you know I'd never ask you to change, If perfects' what you're searching for then just stay the same.....There's not a thing that I would change, girl you're amazing--Just the way you are"
Someone who's not afraid to say:
I sorry, I messed up, I was scared, I didn't know what I had.
Nothing means more to me than you. Say the word and I'm all yours.
"I was blindfolded, but now I'm seeing
My mind was closing, now I'm believing
I finally know just what it means to let someone in
To see the side of me that no one does or ever will
So if you're ever lost and find yourself all alone
I'd search forever just to bring you home,
Here and now this I vow.
And for those times when you can't be together...
That he can't wait to get back to you.
"Yeah, you're everything I've ever
dreamed of having and It's everything
I need from you just knowing that you
wait for me.......
Knowing I'm not there for you
Makes it so hard to leave
What I'd give
What I'd do
Anything to get me home to you"
The story of my life....
Some search, never finding a way
Before long, they waste away
I found you, something told me to stay
I gave in, to selfish ways
And how I miss someone to hold
When hope begins to fade...
Monday, October 13, 2014
Time is Not My Friend
It's a tough thing to be in a situation that you know is not good for you. It's even harder when you have no support or means to get out of that situation without a significant amount of time.
I would get everything to drop everything and go back to where my heart has been calling me for years...but doing that would also break my heart.
I'm so sick of this town.
I'm so sick of this state.
All my friends and my sister are in Florida.
However, my children....they are here...
in North Carolina and they live with their dad (not the baby).
Over the last year, I have reconnected with a lot of old friends in Florida and I know if I moved back there I would have a better support system than I do here.
Here, I am all alone.
I don't have anyone I can count on and other than my girls - I have no family.
I don't think my girls would understand or forgive me for leaving them,
It's bad enough their father and stepmother have already filled their heads with enough garbage....
So here I am for another 9 years...maybe....
I would get everything to drop everything and go back to where my heart has been calling me for years...but doing that would also break my heart.
I'm so sick of this town.
I'm so sick of this state.
All my friends and my sister are in Florida.
However, my children....they are here...
in North Carolina and they live with their dad (not the baby).
Over the last year, I have reconnected with a lot of old friends in Florida and I know if I moved back there I would have a better support system than I do here.
Here, I am all alone.
I don't have anyone I can count on and other than my girls - I have no family.
I don't think my girls would understand or forgive me for leaving them,
It's bad enough their father and stepmother have already filled their heads with enough garbage....
So here I am for another 9 years...maybe....
Motherhood and Mental Illness
I recently took a trip, with my mother, to visit my great grandmother for her 100th birthday. I'm currently taking 5 classes online and was worried about being able to complete assignments. My mother offered me use of her tablet to do the assignments I could on the road. The trip was presented to me as being on a relaxed schedule an I'd have ample opportunity to get my work done and she would provide me with her back up prepaid phone with plenty of minutes so I could leave our phone with B. This trip would also be the first time that my mother or anyone on her side of the family got to meet my now 10 month old baby girl. If I ever have to see my mother again.....it will be too soon. % hours into the trip I was told that it's all about her and if I didn't like it, she would drop us off at the next rest stop and we could find our own way home. On this trip I learned that my mother is crazy and needs some serious help. I attempted to talk to my dad and he is blind to it. In fact, I had her tablet when her Facebook messenger popped up. She lied to him about everything and he said I was just mad because she didn't kiss my butt. My mom told him I don't spank my(at the time) 9 month old child and he responds with - "Great, another spoiled child." Because I tried to talk to my dad, she took the phone away (and she was paranoid I was talking about her behind her back). Because I saw the conversation, she took her tablet away from me. I am 34 years old.
She continuously stressed to me that I should not talk about anything personal to my grandfather and step-grandmother or my uncle & cousin while we were there because they would only gossip and talk behind my back. It became rapidly apparent once I was there that my mother is suffering from paranoid disillusions. See, my mother suffers from the same things I do - Bipolar Disorder and ADHD with OCD tendencies. I know the signs, I know the symptoms because I've done my research. It is hereditary and passed from mother to daughter or father to son.
This trip made me begin to reflect back on my life with this new perspective of how selfish my mother is and how proudly she boasts her selfishness by saying "It's all about me and I'm too old to change that." (I'll be 2 years younger than she is now when my baby graduates high school)......It was shocking. My sister and I never had new clothes or new anything. We always got hand-me-downs from the church or other families we knew. We never had birthday parties because my parent's supposedly couldn't afford them and rarely got birthday presents. We never got to participate in extracurricular activities at school unless we could make the money and find the transportation ourselves. In fact, I don't really remember my parents ever even being in attendance at these events. I remember always having to catch a ride, even to Open House when we went to go find out who our teachers were. I realized my parents were NEVER there except to yell at us when we didn't do things perfect. Most people would chalk that up to my parents working to provide a life for us--but were they really? If we were so poor why did my mother always have brand new nice things? How was my dad able to afford the newest computer and even internet when most people had barely heard of the internet? My dad always had the latest role playing game complete with the game guide books you could only purchase separately (Kings Quest/Space Quest, etc). My mother's closet was full of perfectly color coordinated blazer and skirt suits in every color imaginable complete with matching pumps that we were not allowed to touch. She always had nice jewelry and her favorite cologne: Opium.
I knew at a very young age that I did NOT want to be anything like my mother. It is a daily struggle but I will not become the selfishness that is my mother. I will not make my daughters promises and not keep them. I will not judge my girls and criticize them for making life choices that aren't my own-it is their life after all. I WILL guide them, love them, be a shoulder to cry on and be their biggest cheerleader. My girls will never have any doubt of my unconditional love for them. I will also make sure I am going to the doctor to ensure my mental health stays stable-and I do it for them. The 3 greatest joys in my life!
She continuously stressed to me that I should not talk about anything personal to my grandfather and step-grandmother or my uncle & cousin while we were there because they would only gossip and talk behind my back. It became rapidly apparent once I was there that my mother is suffering from paranoid disillusions. See, my mother suffers from the same things I do - Bipolar Disorder and ADHD with OCD tendencies. I know the signs, I know the symptoms because I've done my research. It is hereditary and passed from mother to daughter or father to son.
This trip made me begin to reflect back on my life with this new perspective of how selfish my mother is and how proudly she boasts her selfishness by saying "It's all about me and I'm too old to change that." (I'll be 2 years younger than she is now when my baby graduates high school)......It was shocking. My sister and I never had new clothes or new anything. We always got hand-me-downs from the church or other families we knew. We never had birthday parties because my parent's supposedly couldn't afford them and rarely got birthday presents. We never got to participate in extracurricular activities at school unless we could make the money and find the transportation ourselves. In fact, I don't really remember my parents ever even being in attendance at these events. I remember always having to catch a ride, even to Open House when we went to go find out who our teachers were. I realized my parents were NEVER there except to yell at us when we didn't do things perfect. Most people would chalk that up to my parents working to provide a life for us--but were they really? If we were so poor why did my mother always have brand new nice things? How was my dad able to afford the newest computer and even internet when most people had barely heard of the internet? My dad always had the latest role playing game complete with the game guide books you could only purchase separately (Kings Quest/Space Quest, etc). My mother's closet was full of perfectly color coordinated blazer and skirt suits in every color imaginable complete with matching pumps that we were not allowed to touch. She always had nice jewelry and her favorite cologne: Opium.
I knew at a very young age that I did NOT want to be anything like my mother. It is a daily struggle but I will not become the selfishness that is my mother. I will not make my daughters promises and not keep them. I will not judge my girls and criticize them for making life choices that aren't my own-it is their life after all. I WILL guide them, love them, be a shoulder to cry on and be their biggest cheerleader. My girls will never have any doubt of my unconditional love for them. I will also make sure I am going to the doctor to ensure my mental health stays stable-and I do it for them. The 3 greatest joys in my life!
Thursday, August 21, 2014
And so it begins.....college with a baby!
Well, I'm halfway through my first week of classes! SO far, So good!! I'm taking 5 online classes: Bio 168 (A&P 1), Eng 111 (Writing & Inquiry), Com 231 (Public Speaking), CIS 110 (Into to Computers), and Psych 150 (Gen Psychology. I got all the EC assignments done for Bio! It's been a little stressful! Trying to manage as best I can without medication and a bouncy baby girl who wants my books, my laptop, my notes --me! Even if Daddy is home, she wants me! lol! I understand. Babies have a special bond with their mother!
Back to the subject...lol! Classes have been a bit of a challenge because I feel easily overwhelmed when learning a new system...i.e. Blackboard and my new laptop with Windows 8....They're not terribly complicated they're just different than what I'm used to so it's stressful that I have to reteach myself how to do things. The start button on Windows 8 is NOTHING like the old Start Menu and where did my X go in the top corner to close the program...or should I say App. It's not been a fun transition but I'm sure once I get used to how it works I won't want to go back to Window 7! lol! I mean it already has one advantage, I can use the same apps I use on my phone on my computer! Like PicsArt! Yay! It's one of my favorite procrastination apps besides Facebook!
I am looking forward to getting through these classes with as little psychosis as possible! Hopefully, medicaid will get off their bums and approve my application. It's been 3 months! I know I can get through the classes without the meds. However, barely passing is not an option. I am determined to succeed with or without them!
I am determined to not let these invading thoughts stop me from reaching my goals!
Back to the subject...lol! Classes have been a bit of a challenge because I feel easily overwhelmed when learning a new system...i.e. Blackboard and my new laptop with Windows 8....They're not terribly complicated they're just different than what I'm used to so it's stressful that I have to reteach myself how to do things. The start button on Windows 8 is NOTHING like the old Start Menu and where did my X go in the top corner to close the program...or should I say App. It's not been a fun transition but I'm sure once I get used to how it works I won't want to go back to Window 7! lol! I mean it already has one advantage, I can use the same apps I use on my phone on my computer! Like PicsArt! Yay! It's one of my favorite procrastination apps besides Facebook!
I am looking forward to getting through these classes with as little psychosis as possible! Hopefully, medicaid will get off their bums and approve my application. It's been 3 months! I know I can get through the classes without the meds. However, barely passing is not an option. I am determined to succeed with or without them!
I am determined to not let these invading thoughts stop me from reaching my goals!
Friday, August 15, 2014
They don't understand....
When you live with depression and anxiety, others simply don't understand what it's like. You look normal on the outside and for the most part you are. Unfortunately, your brain works differently than most people's. While I KNOW what I feel is illogical and stupid....it's not something I can control....like the crying. My whole life I've been chastised for it. I've been told I do it for attention. I've been told to quit faking it. BELIEVE ME, I WISH I KNEW HOW!! NOTHING is more embarrassing than being a 33 year old MANAGER and crying when trying to get your staff to do their job because you're so pissed off! Crying when you are trying your hardest to be strong and not let something get to you.
My ex-husband wasn't very nice to me. Even from the beginning he called me names but I chose to continue on in the relationship because the ONE time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant with #1. I tried to make it work. I swear I did. But he's the type of person that it's his way or no way...or at least he was with me. There was no compromise. I remember when we got iPods for the first time. We couldn't afford to get 2 of the 16gb so he got a 16GB and I got a 4GB. Then there was the time we got laptops. We bought the exact same one for both of us. He then decided his wasn't good enough to play his games on, took it back and got himself a better one. We couldn't afford much, being a military family and me a stay at home mom. I did try and work. I worked at a family sports bar on the base which led to a job as a karaoke DJ. He never considered either of them real jobs. Even when I was working them both at the same time. He used to tell me I wasn't working, I was partying. He always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
So, where am i going with this? Simple tasks especially ones that involve someone who has made you feel bad for any reason or someone you feel like you may have let down...a boss, a loved one, a friend....feel like torture when you deal with anxiety and depression. Just the thought of having to text/call him...seeing him is worse....my hands get clammy, my heart pounds, my chest tightens, i get a lump in my throat and i just overall feel ill to the point it is almost paralyzing.
People who don't have these issues try to tell you .... "Well, just get over it" ....oh I wish I could. Believe me, I do! I know that him making me feel weak and small only fuels him more. He thinks he's better than me. If I see his name on the caller ID (texts because he refuses to speak to me) I instantly go into fight or flight mode. I know that if he's messaging me, there's nothing good coming. I'm going to be chastised for something I did or said that he felt was wrong or inappropriate but I'm not allowed to do the same to him.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medications. Nothing ever really makes it go away. It's always there....lingering in the background. I know in my heart I am a good person with good intentions. I love my children more than anything in the universe and I know I'm a good mom no matter what he says.
Dealing with these things and being around people who don't understand what it's like can be frustrating. It's not something that is easy to explain or comprehend. People who don't have it, don't understand how much you just want to be normal and not paralyzed with fears and anxieties that you know in your head are illogical.
I only hope and pray that one day they can find a cure that doesn't involve having a foggy head and emotional numbness.
<# & peace be with you
My ex-husband wasn't very nice to me. Even from the beginning he called me names but I chose to continue on in the relationship because the ONE time we didn't use protection, I got pregnant with #1. I tried to make it work. I swear I did. But he's the type of person that it's his way or no way...or at least he was with me. There was no compromise. I remember when we got iPods for the first time. We couldn't afford to get 2 of the 16gb so he got a 16GB and I got a 4GB. Then there was the time we got laptops. We bought the exact same one for both of us. He then decided his wasn't good enough to play his games on, took it back and got himself a better one. We couldn't afford much, being a military family and me a stay at home mom. I did try and work. I worked at a family sports bar on the base which led to a job as a karaoke DJ. He never considered either of them real jobs. Even when I was working them both at the same time. He used to tell me I wasn't working, I was partying. He always made me feel like nothing I ever did was good enough.
So, where am i going with this? Simple tasks especially ones that involve someone who has made you feel bad for any reason or someone you feel like you may have let down...a boss, a loved one, a friend....feel like torture when you deal with anxiety and depression. Just the thought of having to text/call him...seeing him is worse....my hands get clammy, my heart pounds, my chest tightens, i get a lump in my throat and i just overall feel ill to the point it is almost paralyzing.
People who don't have these issues try to tell you .... "Well, just get over it" ....oh I wish I could. Believe me, I do! I know that him making me feel weak and small only fuels him more. He thinks he's better than me. If I see his name on the caller ID (texts because he refuses to speak to me) I instantly go into fight or flight mode. I know that if he's messaging me, there's nothing good coming. I'm going to be chastised for something I did or said that he felt was wrong or inappropriate but I'm not allowed to do the same to him.
I've tried therapy. I've tried medications. Nothing ever really makes it go away. It's always there....lingering in the background. I know in my heart I am a good person with good intentions. I love my children more than anything in the universe and I know I'm a good mom no matter what he says.
Dealing with these things and being around people who don't understand what it's like can be frustrating. It's not something that is easy to explain or comprehend. People who don't have it, don't understand how much you just want to be normal and not paralyzed with fears and anxieties that you know in your head are illogical.
I only hope and pray that one day they can find a cure that doesn't involve having a foggy head and emotional numbness.
<# & peace be with you
Wow...how life has changed.....The Ugliness of Mental Disorders
I came to blogger today to start a new blog with the intentions of sticking with it. There's a lot going on in my mind lately and I need to get it out. Looking back at those posts nearly 3 years ago....so much has changed including myself in so many ways I don't know where to begin.....
So let's start with today because if i back track to everything over the last 3 years, this post will be a book instead of a chapter....lol.
Will try my best to give a brief synopses of those 3 years. My girls no longer live with me and they haven't since June 2011. Mike and I split and my life has basically been in a downward spiral since. I lost my job as a manager of McD's in Jan 2013. I have been with Brandon since Sept 2011. In Mar 2013 we found out we were expecting and had a baby girl in Dec 2013. My girls are now 11, 9 (today) and 8 months old. #1 is starting middle school in a week! #2 is going into 4th grade and #3 now has 2 more teeth coming in for a total of 4!!
I start classes towards my nursing degree at Fay Tech CC on Monday. Taking this semester online because we don't have any means of transportation and the bus stop is 2 miles away and not safe to walk to with the baby. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am taking 5 classes... Anatomy & Physiology I, Psychology, Intro to Computers, The Art of Public Speaking & Writing Composition. The first 2 will most likely be the hardest. The other 3 I expect to be a breeze.
I am hoping to use this page as a way to help me work through the ugliness of my conditions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety & ADHD w/OCD tendancies. It's an ugly combination. I'm finding more and more that people really DON'T understand and CAN'T understand what it's like to live with these conditions unless they have them themselves. I hope this page will help bring people together who suffer and know they're not the only ones. I hope that we can support and uplift each other in our endeavors to overcome the ugly disease that is chronic depression.
<3 & Peace be with us on our journey!
So let's start with today because if i back track to everything over the last 3 years, this post will be a book instead of a chapter....lol.
Will try my best to give a brief synopses of those 3 years. My girls no longer live with me and they haven't since June 2011. Mike and I split and my life has basically been in a downward spiral since. I lost my job as a manager of McD's in Jan 2013. I have been with Brandon since Sept 2011. In Mar 2013 we found out we were expecting and had a baby girl in Dec 2013. My girls are now 11, 9 (today) and 8 months old. #1 is starting middle school in a week! #2 is going into 4th grade and #3 now has 2 more teeth coming in for a total of 4!!
I start classes towards my nursing degree at Fay Tech CC on Monday. Taking this semester online because we don't have any means of transportation and the bus stop is 2 miles away and not safe to walk to with the baby. I am nervous and excited at the same time. I am taking 5 classes... Anatomy & Physiology I, Psychology, Intro to Computers, The Art of Public Speaking & Writing Composition. The first 2 will most likely be the hardest. The other 3 I expect to be a breeze.
I am hoping to use this page as a way to help me work through the ugliness of my conditions. I suffer from Bipolar Disorder, Anxiety & ADHD w/OCD tendancies. It's an ugly combination. I'm finding more and more that people really DON'T understand and CAN'T understand what it's like to live with these conditions unless they have them themselves. I hope this page will help bring people together who suffer and know they're not the only ones. I hope that we can support and uplift each other in our endeavors to overcome the ugly disease that is chronic depression.
<3 & Peace be with us on our journey!
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