I finally got to see my pDoc yesterday!
Overall things went really well. It took a month but I was able to get back in with the same practice that has been treating me off and on (due to insurance) since 2008. Dr. Chris is wonderful. Makes me feel good about the treatment plan.
I have been given WAY more meds than ever before--but due to all the life changes that have occurred over the last 2 years, I feel it is best. This is the first time I have been given a medication for my bipolar. I am back on my Adderall 20mg 2/day like before. Prozac 20mg 1/day (mood stabilizer) Klonipin .5mg/as needed (for anxiety) and Atarax 25mg/as needed (for nerves/itching) and Saphris 5mg (sublingual) for sleep and bipolar mania. When i get particularly stressed, my face and arms get a really itchy feeling...not like i need to scratch it kind of itch but just rubbing the area brings temporary relief. That is what the Atarax is for. The "itchy" feeling is all my nerve endings firing off nearly simultaneously.
He wants to see me again in 2 weeks to see how I'm doing and if we need to change and medications. He basically told me what I already knew---that I have lost my sense of self worth and need to get back into therapy with Ms. Kim to try to regain that and overcome my newest diagnosis (which I was already aware of but not diagnosed until yesterday)--PTSD.
The PTSD has been identified as coming from 2 different points in my life:
The first cause of my PTSD:: living with parents who didn't get me treated for or diagnosed with ADHD and treated me like I was a normal kid. They chastised me on a regular basis for being messy and lazy. I was always in trouble for saying the wrong things (even though my heart was in the right place). No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Praise was something I rarely received growing up. Singing-that was the only thing they were proud of me doing. Yet, unless it was at church, they were never there for any of my performances. Other things were always more important. When it came to chores-I could never do those well enough either. If my sister didn't do hers-I was in trouble because I was the oldest and should've made her do them. They never allowed me to be who I am and wanted to conform me to what they wanted me to be. Their mantra of "Do as I say, Not as I do" l only aided in me seeing them as hypocrites. Their other favorite phrase "Because I said so" left me feeling empty and confused as in the only purpose for me to do/not do something was because they said so which was not good enough for a mind that needed--begged to understand WHY!!
In a recent conversation with my sister, I learned something I never realized before...She says: why do you think I was always defending you. Even as a child she saw the unfairness. It's only been since the recent trip with my mother that I began to realize all these things--maybe I had blocked them out...children want to think the best of their parents. But when I look at it now, I see my mother was a selfish narcissist and has made it clear to me that, at age 53, she is too old to change and I need to deal with it. When I'm her age....my children will be 20, 28 & 30. While it hurts, my way of dealing with it is to cut her, and my father (step) out of my life and since my biological father died in 2002---I don't have parents.
The second cause of my PTSD was my marriage---basically a continuation of the emotional abuse I suffered my my parents. I can remember the beginning that I shouldn't be in that relationship---I was delusional in thinking I might get a fairy tale. I was always told that the person for you has always been right there. My family had been connected to his family for as long as I can remember but I didn't meet him until High School. These are the things I learned after I met him: his cousin grew up in the neighborhood next to me-we shared the same bus stop since 2nd grade. The church I went to starting going to in middle school had a big family of 6 that often did things with his big family of 5. His grandfather taught my mother in one of her computer classes when she went to Lively VoTech. His grandfather was the civilian liaison for the Army National Guard unit I joined at 17. His house was 5 minutes from best friend's house.
That delusion and the low self esteem growing up with parents who didn't support me had made me into the type of person who would put up with anything, even losing myself, in order to have the life I always wanted.
It started even before we were married. I remember the days leading up to my suspicion that I might be pregnant. I remember him being upset that I wouldn't let him go anywhere near my beasts because they were sooo tender and sore. I remember getting heartburn, which I had never had before. Then, at my Aunt Annie Ruth's funeral-my cousins David and Gina swearing up and down I was pregnant. Then came the nausea. While he was at work, I remember getting online to see if there was anyway I could determine pregnancy without buying the test. I knew we only had a few dollars left until payday....my mind was driving me insane...my period which was normally like clock work, was a week late. I remember pacing and stressing on how I was going to justify spending $6 if the test was negative (the dollar tree didn't sell them back then)...finally, I got into the car and went and got the test and took it-it was positive. At this point we had only been together a few months. We were already living together because my mom kicked me since I had a boyfriend I could go live with. Now, the stress was how to tell him. I thought for certain he would be mad. I mean, I was his first sexual encounter (only because he lied to me about being a virgin-i wouldn't have if I had known and he knew that) and we only didn't use protection ONE time. Luckily, in this case, he was ecstatic and we ended up getting married just a few months before she was born.
There were red flags even before we got married that I ignored because I was pregnant and scared to be on my own...Throughout the years, the emotional abuse only got worse. He was embarrassed by me-because I talked to much or said the wrong things at the wrong times. He, like my mother, had me always second guessing myself and worrying if what I was going was going to make him mad or upset in anyway. His wrath and his anger were nothing I wanted to have to deal with. If you hurt his feelings in anyway he would hurt yours back in the most vicious way possible. It was almost like a competition with him. I felt like I wasn't allowed to voice how I felt, ever and when I did I was full of shit.
We went to marriage counseling, when we left, he would yell at me for either a) not letting him speak or b)because I made him look bad. When I did let him speak-he had nothing to say. It was a vicious cycle. We attempted separation a time or two. But I always went back to him-too frightened to leave and be on my own. I knew when I finally did walk out that door-I would have to do something sooo drastic that he would never want to be with me EVER again because I couldn't see it being healthy for myself or my children to live our lives walking on eggshells so that we didn't upset Daddy, but that story is for another day...I've really got to get to my school work while little miss V is taking her nap (she's been sick and was up at 415am-went back to sleep about 7am)
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