Starting is the hardest part.....

I haven't been doing well lately....I had to o to court Thursday for my first Child Support Hearing. Nobody was able to go with me, so I was all alone. The days leading up to court were stressful...the physical reaction my body has when I have to face my ex or his wife...well, it takes it's toll. I hate it. Just knowing I'm going to see or hear them-my chest tightens, my heart races, my hands get clammy and shaky. In fact, my whole body gets shaky and I begin to feel like a child again. So many years, of nothing ever being good enough for him....so many years since the divorce of him continually chastising me for everything...how and what I say or do around my own children. He treats me with disdain and does not try to include me in their lives at all. He shares NO INFORMATION with me. In fact, unless he's telling me I did something wrong-he doesn't speak to me at all. I want nothing more than to look like a strong confident person who's got it all together when I am around them--but the way he makes me feel like a child and like I'm incompetent--always second guessing myself...

I was ok until I had to go back and talk to the child support agent and she told me I had to stand in front of the judge. Then I lost it and started crying. She let me go out the side door so he & his wife couldn't see me. I paced around, then went to speak to the bailiff about finding a public phone so I could call my doctor (i had accidentally brought the atarax with me instead of the klonipin and I was having a really bad panic attack).....I found out the judge wouldn't be in until 11, so I walked around downtown to try and calm myself as well as find a wifi signal so I could use my phone and call home.

Of course, calling home was only of little relief. I continued walking around and even stopped for a coffee until it was time to go back to the courtroom. While I waited for my turn I wrote, rewrote and rewrote again what I wanted to say....I felt calm and I felt good. However, the moment she called our names-the panic began. I couldn't speak without my voice shaking. I felt like a kid again--getting ready to be punished. I told her about the clause that states the girls can't be alone with B and how that affects my ability to work full time as well as the fact that I have a baby at home and take classes online because I can't afford child care for her. She asked me if my health was good and I told her no. She asked and I told her ADHD and PTSD. It was the first time I said anything about it to anyone other than family since I was diagnosed with PTSD) Not one time did I even dare turn to look towards him. In the end, I do have to pay child support-and while the amount is miniscule ($62/mo total for 2 kids)...it's the principle of the matter that sent me into yet another panic attack. I ran out of the courthouse as fast as I could.

I felt utterly defeated--You have my kids, which you haven't let me see in 2 months (child support and custody are two separate courts), you have taken my sanity and now what little money I have....I can't even see your name without having a panic attack-dialing the phone sends me into a panic attack-when you do let me see my children I feel like I can't be myself and have to be super careful about everything because I never know what they are going to say to you that is going to have you chastising me again for being a screw-up. I SHOULDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME!! But you have ingrained into me that in your eyes-I am worthless and since you have my children-I feel like I have to continually prove myself to you even though i know it will never change the way you treat me.

What my children think about me is important. I want them to love me, not feel sorry for me. I want to be there every step of the way for everything - be a part of their daily life but my fear of you is what paralyzes me....why should I try when they value your's and your wife's opinions over mine and you don't support me at all because to you and your wife - everything I do is wrong. Just because its not your way, doesn't mean it's wrong....


All I can do is try to work through this and hope that when they are older, they understand that I never stopped thinking about them....that I spend many many sleepless nights worried about them but to scared to pick up the phone. Too scared of being rejected that I can't even begin...


"We can train our bodies to forget, but not our minds--your past, your secrets mark you always-like it or not"-Forever(TV SHOW-ABC)