I recently took a trip, with my mother, to visit my great grandmother for her 100th birthday. I'm currently taking 5 classes online and was worried about being able to complete assignments. My mother offered me use of her tablet to do the assignments I could on the road. The trip was presented to me as being on a relaxed schedule an I'd have ample opportunity to get my work done and she would provide me with her back up prepaid phone with plenty of minutes so I could leave our phone with B. This trip would also be the first time that my mother or anyone on her side of the family got to meet my now 10 month old baby girl. If I ever have to see my mother again.....it will be too soon. % hours into the trip I was told that it's all about her and if I didn't like it, she would drop us off at the next rest stop and we could find our own way home. On this trip I learned that my mother is crazy and needs some serious help. I attempted to talk to my dad and he is blind to it. In fact, I had her tablet when her Facebook messenger popped up. She lied to him about everything and he said I was just mad because she didn't kiss my butt. My mom told him I don't spank my(at the time) 9 month old child and he responds with - "Great, another spoiled child." Because I tried to talk to my dad, she took the phone away (and she was paranoid I was talking about her behind her back). Because I saw the conversation, she took her tablet away from me. I am 34 years old.
She continuously stressed to me that I should not talk about anything personal to my grandfather and step-grandmother or my uncle & cousin while we were there because they would only gossip and talk behind my back. It became rapidly apparent once I was there that my mother is suffering from paranoid disillusions. See, my mother suffers from the same things I do - Bipolar Disorder and ADHD with OCD tendencies. I know the signs, I know the symptoms because I've done my research. It is hereditary and passed from mother to daughter or father to son.
This trip made me begin to reflect back on my life with this new perspective of how selfish my mother is and how proudly she boasts her selfishness by saying "It's all about me and I'm too old to change that." (I'll be 2 years younger than she is now when my baby graduates high school)......It was shocking. My sister and I never had new clothes or new anything. We always got hand-me-downs from the church or other families we knew. We never had birthday parties because my parent's supposedly couldn't afford them and rarely got birthday presents. We never got to participate in extracurricular activities at school unless we could make the money and find the transportation ourselves. In fact, I don't really remember my parents ever even being in attendance at these events. I remember always having to catch a ride, even to Open House when we went to go find out who our teachers were. I realized my parents were NEVER there except to yell at us when we didn't do things perfect. Most people would chalk that up to my parents working to provide a life for us--but were they really? If we were so poor why did my mother always have brand new nice things? How was my dad able to afford the newest computer and even internet when most people had barely heard of the internet? My dad always had the latest role playing game complete with the game guide books you could only purchase separately (Kings Quest/Space Quest, etc). My mother's closet was full of perfectly color coordinated blazer and skirt suits in every color imaginable complete with matching pumps that we were not allowed to touch. She always had nice jewelry and her favorite cologne: Opium.
I knew at a very young age that I did NOT want to be anything like my mother. It is a daily struggle but I will not become the selfishness that is my mother. I will not make my daughters promises and not keep them. I will not judge my girls and criticize them for making life choices that aren't my own-it is their life after all. I WILL guide them, love them, be a shoulder to cry on and be their biggest cheerleader. My girls will never have any doubt of my unconditional love for them. I will also make sure I am going to the doctor to ensure my mental health stays stable-and I do it for them. The 3 greatest joys in my life!
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