Everything to Everyone but myself......

    I am a spontaneous, energetic 30 year old woman. I know who I am and for the most part, I know what I want. I am witty, silly, sarcastic and blunt. I tell it like it is and have a low tolerance for stupid people (I mean do I REALLY have to tell you the SAME THING every day when you've worked here for 3 months already??). Yet, I am compassionate enough to look at the whole picture and help you find a solution. Those who truly know me...LOVE ME! I am REAL! I am GENUINE! I do not try to be anything other than who I am. I strive every day to be honest. I do as I say and say as I do when I say I'm going to do it....or at least try REALLY hard to. You know exactly what to expect from me. I am a fun person with a big heart. When my friends need me, they know I will do everything in my power to be there for them no matter what I am doing. I am a chameleon of sorts....I can adapt easily to almost any environment. I have friends of all shapes, colors, sizes and styles and no matter where we go, I can e comfortable.

   Soo....you're probably thinking to yourself.....she's a pretty cool person. I know I am. I know I am a good person with the best of intentions. You would think someone as awesome and amazing as I am would not be single......yet I am.

   Why?!?!?!

   It's not that I can't find an amazing guy....I have met some of the most awesome guys over the last year since my divorce. The problem lies with me. Most of the guys I meet, it seems that I am everything they ever wanted and hoped for and they're willing to do almost anything to have me. However, it's the guys I find that I truly want to be with are just as jaded as I am. . . .and yet I lower my standards and am willing to accept what ever they give me just so I can be with them. Willing to drop everything when they call and change plans I made days ago. The same things these guys are doing with me.

   WOW! Lightbulb moment! I didn't realize that last line until I typed it. I'm free flow writing write now...not thinking just typing whatever comes into my head.

   Is THAT the problem? That I don't want a guy that falls so easily for me just as the guys I allow to drag me around don't want a girl that falls so easily?

   Guard your heart boys. I am who I am but I am also a mess. Deep down I want just that one person who can be my friend and my lover. But, I know things like that take time. Fall for me to quickly and me see it (you can try to hide it but I'll know before you do) and I might just run for the hills. . . .actually it's almost a guarantee......I don't like to hurt people. It hurts me to hurt people. . . . but I'm not ready to be hurt myself and while you boys may have the best of intentions. . . .you can NOT lower your standards or sacrifice yourself to be with me. I will not allow it and it will cause me to lose respect in you as a potential lover.

   I WANT to be someone's girl....I want to be someone's princess but my heart is so hardened. So jaded. I don't know if I will be able to let go with the person who is right for me. My life is a novel of bad timing. I may have the man of my dreams right in front of me but can't seem to get the walls to fall down enough for me to open myself up and be receptive to it..............

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 jaded (adj.) Cynically or pretentiously callous.

cynical (adj.) Believing or showing the belief that people are motivated chiefly by base or selfish concerns; skeptical of the motives of others

callous (adj.) Emotionally hardened; unfeeling: